JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, April 1, 2002 -- Baseball & The Horse
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
Tuesday, April 2, 2002 -- The Portrait
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Wednesday, April 3, 2002 -- Hospital Nursery
In the hospital nursery there were two babies in isolettes next to each other. One looked over to the other and said, "Hi, I'm a little girl baby."
The other said, "Hi, I'm a little boy baby."
The little girl baby said, "Prove it!"
So the little boy baby looked around until all the nurses had left. He slowly lifted his little night gown up and said, "See . . . blue booties!"
Thursday, April 4, 2002 -- Vow of Silence
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words.
After the first seven years passed, he went into a small room where he was given the chance to say his two words to the leadership of the order. His two words were "Too cold." He was given extra blankets.
The next seven years passed and the leadership took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "Bad food." The kitchen changed the menu for him.
When the next seven years had passed they took him back into the small room, and his 2 words were "I quit".
"Fine!" exclaimed the leaders, "All you have done since you got here is complain anyway."
Friday, April 5, 2002 -- The Friendly Bar
A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit."
He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie."
The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.
"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary.
(Thanks to Keith)
Monday, April 8, 2002 -- Lost Voice
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
Tuesday, April 9, 2002 -- Joker
A man gets himself convicted of a crime, and is consequently sent to prison. All goes reasonably well for him this first day. After lights out he is lying on his cot trying to go to sleep. All of a sudden he hears someone yell out at the top of his lungs----- "fourteen" ------ and then all the cons in that block break out in laughter.
After a few minutes he hears this again only this time someone yells-----------"eleven"----------- everyone laughs again. The new guy is really confused now so he asks the con in the next cell what is going on.
He tells him that what they are doing is telling jokes. The new guy says, "I still don't understand that, all I hear is numbers being yelled out."
The old con says, "yeah, that's how they tell them. You see, we've heard just about every joke there is, so instead of going through the whole thing we just number them and everyone knows which ones they are just by the number."
"Oh," says the new guy, "now I get it."
A few minutes goes by and all of a sudden someone yells out -------------"seventeen"----------- nothing, not even a snicker.
The new guy asks the old con, "what happened there?"
The old con replies well, "you know how it is? Some guys can tell jokes and some can't."
Wednesday, April 10, 2002 -- The Proposal
Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly.
"What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out."
"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father.
"Oh boy, dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My Dear, you have a face that would stop a clock'!"
Friday, April 12, 2002 -- When I Was Your Age
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Monday, April 15, 2002 -- The Japanese Business Man
A Japanese business man hails a cab downtown and wants to go to the airport to catch a 3pm flight back to Japan. He asks the driver if he can get to the airport on time. The driver responds, "no problem."
During the ride a Toyota going 160k per hour passes the cab, and the passenger informs the cab driver that the Toyota is a Japanese make and the car moves very fast.
A second car, a Honda, goes by them at the same speed and again the business man informs the driver that the Honda was also made in Japan and goes very fast.
The driver now arrives at the airport and the Japanese fellow asks how much is the fare, the driver responds $100. The client goes ballistic and claims that he has taken the same ride in previous occasions and it only cost him $25.
The driver tapped his meter and said, "See this meter. It was made in Japan and goes up very fast.
(Thanks to Frank)
Tuesday, April 16, 2002 -- Grandpa & Grandma
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting a the table. Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head. He says, "What was that for?"
Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."
Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma upside the head.
She says, "Now what's that for?"
He says, "That's for knowing the difference."
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 -- Going for the Gold
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who peed in your saxophone."
Thursday, April 18, 2002 -- The Bear Hunter
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find another giant black bear standing there. The black bear said "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting do you?"
Friday, April 19, 2002 -- The Border
Three men are walking in the desert near the US-Mexico border in hopes of crossing into Mexico. The first man is carrying a watermelon, the second man an umbrella, and the third a car door. When they finally make it to the border, they meet up with a Border Patrol agent. He says to the first man, "Sir, why are you carrying a watermelon?"
"I am carrying this watermelon so that when it gets really hot, I can just stick a straw in and have some water to drink."
"Okay," he says, and goes on to the second man. "Sir, why are you carrying an umbrella?"
"Because when it gets really hot, I can open it up and be in the shade."
"Okay, I'll accept that." He then turns to the third man and asks, "sir, why on Earth are you carrying a car door?"
"Well sir, it's quite simple. You see, whenever it gets really hot, I can just open the window."
(Thanks to Peter in Laramie, Wyoming)
Monday, April 22, 2002 -- Only One
Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
Tuesday, April 23, 2002 -- Learning Your Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good," the teacher said. "What comes after three."
"Four," answered the boy.
"What comes after six?" the teacher asked.
"Seven," little Johnny answered.
"Very good," the teacher said. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
Johnny smiled up at the teacher and answered, "A jack."
Wednesday, April 24, 2002 -- The Fire Truck
A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman`s hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his privates.
The fireman said, "Son, I don`t want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog`s neck you would go faster."
"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I`d lose my siren!"
(Thanks to Lise)
Thursday, April 25, 2002 -- The Meat
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Friday, April 26, 2002 -- Good News Bad News
A woman phones up her husband at work, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear"
"I'm sorry honey," he says, "I'm up to my neck in work today and I'm totally stressed, so just give me the good news, OK?"
"Well," she says, "the air bags work... "
Monday, April 29, 2002 -- Nudist Pictures
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look long!"
(Thanks to Carol)
Tuesday, April 30, 2002 -- The Pharmacy
A clerk in a small drugstore wasn't much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted, and finally his boss had had enough. "If you lose one more sale," the boss said, "it'll be your last."
Just then a man came in coughing. "May I help you, Sir?" the clerk asked.
"I need your best cough syrup," the sick customer said.
Try as he might, the wayward clerk could not find the good cough syrup, so remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as the clerk said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
The boss had seen the whole thing, so after the customer left, he walked up to his clerk and asked what was up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough medicine," the clerk said. "So, I substituted the laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Ex-Lax?!" the boss exclaimed. "That won't cure a cough!"
"Sure it will!" the clerk said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
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