JOKE DU JOUR
Wednesday, May 1, 2002 -- The Cure
A woman went to doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Thursday, May 2, 2002 -- Buddy
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolate area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move. Once more the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse finally dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Friday, May 3, 2002 -- Adam & Eve
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Monday, May 6, 2002 -- One Dollar Bill
A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."
Tuesday, May 7, 2002 -- The Hikers
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you.
Wednesday, May 8, 2002 -- The Snake & The Doctor
An old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Thursday, May 9, 2002 -- CIA Test
There was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill and there's a lot of testing and background checking involved before one can be considered for the position.
After sending a few selected applicants through the background checking and testing, they were narrowed down to just 2 men and a woman. Only one position is available.
The day came for the final test to see which person to give the classified job. The CIA agents administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow all instructions no matter what the circumstances are", they explained, "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The applicant got a shocked look on his face and said "you can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife."
"Well" said the CIA, "you're definitely not the right man for the job."
So they bring in the second man to the same door and hand him the gun. The second man looked shocked but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out with tears.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger, I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"'No," the CIA replied "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now it's the woman applicant's turn. They lead her to the door and gave her the gun.
"You'll find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun, opened the door and closed it. The CIA heard the gun firing. One shot after another, for 13 shots. Then all heck broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls and floor. It went on like this for several minutes, then all was quiet and the door slowly opened. There stood the woman. She, wiping the sweat off her brow with her arms said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Friday, May 10, 2002 -- Under The Bed
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Monday, May 13, 2002 -- Confession
One day Rob goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional. "Father", he says, "this week I have sinned forty three times."
"My son", the priest says, "this is a bad thing. Who did this happen with?"
"My wife", Rob answers. "But that is not a sin", the priest says, "That is common behaviour in a marriage."
"I know," Rob says with a smile, "I was just anxious to tell someone."
Tuesday, May 14, 2002 -- The Defence Attorney's News
"I have good news and bad news," the defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 180."
Wednesday, May 15, 2002 -- The Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
Thursday, May 16, 2002 -- Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!"
Friday, May 17, 2002 -- Viagra
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
Monday, May 20, 2002 -- The President At The Baseball Game
The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear.
Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities. The President shakes hands of those near him and gets 'high fives'.
The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
Tuesday, May 21, 2002 -- Expensive Dress
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"
Wednesday, May 22, 2002 -- Butcher Money Where Your Mouth Is
A butcher is in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.
So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on his two back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.
"What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for crying out loud!", to which the guy responds "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."
Thursday, May 23, 2002 -- Grandpa
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,
"And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
(Thanks to Peter)
Friday, May 24, 2002 -- The Dead Doctor
One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a heart made up of red flowers.
When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.
At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing Buddy?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist"
(Thanks to Peter)
Monday, May 27, 2002 -- The Doctor And Sex
A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to have sex with his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, "lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
... This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "of course, they probably weren't vets...."
Tuesday, May 28, 2002 -- Closing Arguments
A noted criminal lawyer was making the closing argument for his client who was accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom."
A heavy silence suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry, but nothing happened.
The lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom is clear proof that you have far more than a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was committed." Pleased with the impact of his tactic, the lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.
The jury was instructed, filed out, and returned within ten minutes with a guilty verdict.
When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!"
"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door, but one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."
Wednesday, May 29, 2002 -- Divorce for Wear
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheel.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Thursday, May 30, 2002 -- First Aid
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys testicles, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for Revenue Canada."
Friday, May 31, 2002 -- Surgeon Chat
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are NO GUTS, NO HEART, and NO BACKBONE, and the head and butt are INTERCHANGEABLE!"
(Thanks to Esther)
"Operator, do you have the number for a plumber?......Oh, and please hurry!"
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