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January 2001

Tuesday, January 2, 2001 -- Quit Stalin!

When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The issue was duly released of the stamp, but Stalin began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.

He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

Wednesday, January 3, 2001 -- The Near-Sighted Snake

A snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks for a check up.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor replies, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been romantically involved with a garden hose the past 2 years!"

Thursday, January 4, 2001 -- Raising The Leg

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing.

The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"

The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!"

Monday, January 8, 2001 -- Hang-Gliding

Ol' Zeke decided to save up and get a hang-glider. After weeks of saving his nickels and dimes, he takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge - into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG . . . BANG . . . BANG . . . BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Zeke!"

Tuesday January 9, 2001 -- Little Johnny & The Pastor

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, why are all these names listed on here?"

"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Thursday, January 11, 2001 -- Diet Plan

One time when a daughter was home visiting her folks, her mom asked her to help prepare dinner. She opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" she asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" she asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 10 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Monday, January 15, 2001 -- The Elderly Driver

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Tuesday, January 16, 2001 -- This Little Piggy...

A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

The bartender said he did.

"I'd like one, please," the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers. This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.

Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the other four. They too used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender said,

"Let me guess, you want five root beers."

The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

When he was done, he started to walk out. The bartender was confused. "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

"No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 -- Bob & The Psychiatrist

Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under...you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Thursday, January 18, 2001 -- Monticello

Two tourists were driving through Illinois. As they were approaching a town called Monticello, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

"Is it mont-ih-SELL-oh or mont-ih-CHELL-oh?" they argued. This went on, back and forth, until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Daaaiiirrryyy Queeeeen."

Monday, January 22, 2001 -- William & Wayne

There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3. The neighbors noticed they always went around together, if William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough; and when Wayne went to playgroup, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with all the toddlers.

One neighbor thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the kid's mother why they were so inseparable even though they had nothing in common.

Well, the mother replied, didn't you know: "Where there's a Will there's a Wayne."

Tuesday, January 23, 2001 -- The Preacher & The Lawn Mower

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one.

On the way, he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower.

The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job, they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied on the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep. You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to you."

Wednesday, January 24, 2001 -- Two Mothers

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Johnny is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my Franky is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

Thursday, January 25, 2001 -- The Best Chicken Joke Ever

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Monday, January 29, 2001 -- A Dog Named Mace

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day.

That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up at the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

Tuesday, January 30, 2001 -- The Explorer

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm dead."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not dead. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're dead."

Wednesday, January 31, 2001 -- The Mean Boss

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"

The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said. Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see you around here again!"

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left. Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George.

When he found him, Swiller was red with anger."That idler in front of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"

"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"

"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."

(Thanks to Lise)

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