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February 2001

Thursday, February 1, 2001 -- Bar Attack

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to himself, tell him that was .......a crowbar from Walmart.

(Thanks to Umed)

Monday, February 5, 2001 -- The Prisoner

During World War II, a mechanic was making a routine test flight with a bomber that accidently drifted off course and over enemy territory. The plane was shot down and the mechanic taken prisoner.

Not knowing his area of expertise, the prison camp leader placed him in charge of the chickens. Every day he would collect scraps of metal and wood and, eventually, he constructed a certified engine and a pair of wings.

One morning when the officers called roll they found he had attached the wings and engine to the chicken shed and flown the coop.

Tuesday, February 6, 2001 -- The Puzzle

One morning a girl, called her friend and said, "Please come over and help me, I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it".

The friend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The girl said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles so she heads on over the girl's house.

The girl lets her friend in the door and shows her where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. The friend studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box, and then she looks at the pieces again for a bit. The friend then turns to the girl and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Wednesday, February 7, 2001 -- Worthless Job

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant," says the shepherd.

"This is correct," says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

Thursday, February 8, 2001 -- Not Fishing

A game warden pulls his motorboat up along side a man sitting quietly with a pole in his hand. "Doing a little fishing, are we?"

The man, painfully aware of his lack of a fishing license answered, "No sir. Just drowning worms."

Monday, February 12, 2001 -- The Will

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

Tuesday, February 13, 2001 -- Obituary

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead."

The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."

The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

Wednesday, February 14, 2001 -- Squirms Of Endearment: A Valentine's Tale

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:

"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Thursday, February 15, 2001 -- Sometimes You Win....

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

(Thanks to Keith)

Monday, February 19, 2001 -- Career Change

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all she could. When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the MUFFLER..."

Tuesday, February 20, 2001 -- The Bank

A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.

"Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue."

"Yes, I know." said the man. "It's my wife, she is out of control."

"Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?" asked the banker.

"Frankly," replied the man with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her."

Wednesday, February 21, 2001 -- Hymns

The local Presbyterian church was in dire financial straits and they were getting hard pressed to raise money. Then the preacher had an idea, to give the largest contributor each Sunday the choice of 3 hymns.

So the following Sunday from the pulpit he explained the plight and his idea. The collection plates went around, and they were brought up to the preacher. To his surprise there was a $1000 bill right on top. He sobbed and said a few Hallelujahs and asked who was the wonderful person who donated this remarkable sum.

A slight little elderly lady stood up and admitted to it. The preacher called her to the front of the church and applauded her. He then exclaimed to her "you may now select the next 3 hymns, so do you know what you want?"

"Why yes I do," she replied and faced the congregation, "I'll take him, him, and him."

Thursday, February 22, 2001 -- Boll Weevils

Two boll weevils were brothers in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Monday, February 26, 2001 -- The Bus Stop

An attractive young woman was waiting at a crowded city bus stop. She was decked out in a rather tight skirt with matching boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up, and it became her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was too tight to allow her to make the first step on the bus.

So, slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to get her leg up to the first step. Again she tried but the skirt was still too tight.

Even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. For a second time she attempted the step, and once again just couldn't get her foot that high.

It was just as she was reaching behind her a third time that this big Texan right behind her picked her up from the waist and placed her lightly on the step.

Well, she was not happy to be man-handled and turned on the would-be hero, "You have no right to touch me, mister! I don't even know you!"

At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my pants three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

Tuesday, February 27, 2001 -- Bubba & Tiny

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____."

Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."

Wednesday, February 28, 2001 -- The Parrot

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you ugly thing."

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly ugly face of yours any more!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy jerk... "

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"Spicy Baby"

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