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March 2001

Thursday, March 1, 2001 -- Monks With Flowers

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified! , they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Monday, March 5, 2001 -- The Mouse

A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late...the mouse was being buried alive.

Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid......

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

Thursday, March 8, 2001 -- Trip To Paris

Two sisters spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans - no matter where they went, they were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate them.

One day, in Paris, one sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

The sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners".

Tuesday, March 13, 2001 -- The Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 -- On The Elevator

A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned around, slapped him and left in a huff.

The little girl remarked, "That's okay, Daddy, I didn't like her either, she was stepping all over my toes. That's why I pinched her."

Thursday, March 15, 2001 -- The Thunderstorm

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

Monday, March 19, 2001 -- Fluffy

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room, dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her and then the soaking-wet rabbit jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, Fluffy!" the woman shouts. "Don't you want to be a good little rabbit?"

Apparently not, because Fluffy, still wet, jumps onto the floor shakes furiously, spraying water on everyone and then proceeds to squat and urinate, right there in the middle of the room.

"Dammit, Fluffy!" the woman screams, and then, mortified by Fluffy's behaviour, she turns to the other people in the room and says, "Please forgive me, I've just washed my hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"

Tuesday, March 20, 2001 -- The Sale

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says.

"No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

"How much?" he asks.

"Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.

"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor.

"How much?" he asks.

"Five dollars," the salesman says.

"I'll take that too!" the man says. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

Wednesday, March 21, 2001 -- Chess Players

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

(Thanks to Saul)

Thursday, March 22, 2001 -- Eternal Bloating

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Monday, March 26, 2001 -- Husband & Wife

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Tuesday, March 27, 2001 -- Calf Birth

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Wednesday, March 28, 2001 -- The Speedy Creature

A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for it him and he dimly saw it run off a highway at an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked.

The driver apologised to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. "Oh yes," said the farmer, "that's one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and myself can have a chicken leg each."

"Really?" asked the man. "That's amazing! How do they taste?"

"I don't know," replied the farmer. "I haven't been able to catch one yet."

Thursday, March 29, 2001 -- Taking Customers To The Cleaners

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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