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May 2001

Tuesday, May 1, 2001 -- Trip To The Doctor

"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."

Wednesday, May 2, 2001 -- Spelling Bee

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."

Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."

Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."

Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Billy. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Billy don't ever spell electrician."

Thursday, May 3, 2001 -- Nasty Disease

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive, expensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

Monday, May 7, 2001 -- Three Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date a hot date, with the cat."

Tuesday, May 8, 2001 -- The Engagements

One sunny day, Todd greeted his parents with excitement, asking them to sit down in the living room for his announcement. "I have great news! I'm getting married to the most beautiful woman in town. She only lives a block away from you. Her name is Susan."

His parents congratulated him, but after dinner, his father pulled him aside. "Son, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you something. I love your mother dearly after 30 years of marriage, but we've never had much excitement in our intimate life. I used to fool around a lot, and Susan is actually your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Todd was devastated and angry with his father, and he broke off the engagement. A year later, he was finally dating again, and one day he came home to tell them, "Lori said yes! We want to get married this July."

His father pulled him aside once more. "I'm sorry son, but she's your half-sister, too."

Todd was furious with his father. Once would have been bad enough, but twice was more than he could take. He decided to tell his mother what had been going on. Bracing for her reaction, he said, "I guess I'll never get married. Every time I'm ready to marry, he tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother patted his cheek. "Don't pay a bit of attention to what he says," she told him. "He's not really your father."

Wednesday, May 9, 2001 -- Gift For The Teacher

It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

Thursday, May 10, 2001 -- A Trip To The Doctor

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over." said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "Could you be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ouch, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Finally, she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts!" she cried.

The doctor examined the young woman and finally said, "You have a broken finger Miss."

Monday, May 14, 2001 -- Who Enjoys Sex More?

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with having sex?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

Tuesday, May 15, 2001 -- Three Engineers

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer -- look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer -- the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."

The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"

Wednesday, May 16, 2001 -- Ransom

A young corporate executive was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late."

"Hey! Give me a break." whined the executive. "I have a 27 handicap."

Thursday, May 17, 2001 -- The Age Of Consent

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Monday, May 21, 2001 -- The Handsome Prince

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Tuesday, May 22, 2001 -- Blonde Strikes Back!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Wednesday, May 23, 2001 -- The Truck Stop

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hells Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

Thursday, May 24, 2001 -- Coming To A Complete Stop

A police officer pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration please?"

The driver said, "What's the problem, officer?"

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The police officer had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

Monday, May 28, 2001 -- Budgies

Two dumb guys walk into a pet store. The first says, "I want four budgies."

The salesman replies, "Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female, or all male or all female?

The dumb guy shoots back, "I don't care. I just want four budgies!"

The salesman, without losing his cool, continues: "Very well sir, what color would you like them to be? We have yellow, blue, gr..."

The dumb guy interrupts, yelling, "I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?"

The salesman quickly grabs four birds from the budgie cages and shoves them into a pet carrier. The second dumb guy pulls out his wallet and pays for the birds, and then both dumb guys leave.

They drive out to a high cliff and the first dumb guy reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. He plummets like a rock and hits the bottom of the cliff with a loud SPLAT.

The second dumb guy looks down at his friend's mangled remains and says, "Dang, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Tuesday, May 29, 2001 -- Near Death Experience

Jack had a near death experience that changed his life forever. One day, Jack went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, Jack's foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2001 -- Driving Though The Woods

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Thursday, May 31, 2001 -- The Medieval Knight

A medieval knight has just started out on a quest for his king when his horse becomes lame. He heads to a nearby castle for help, when suddenly it begins to storm. Reaching the castle, he tells the gatekeeper that his horse is lame and asks if he can borrow a horse. The gatekeeper replies that the castle has no horses to spare.

Just then, the knight notices a Great Dane and asks the gatekeeper if perhaps he can have the Great Dane instead.

"Are you kidding?" the gatekeeper replied. "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"

Picture Of The Month

"Okay, got the beer.........
Now where did I bury those nuts?"

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