JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, June 4, 2001 -- Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see it's like this," says the man. "Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So I figure, if I have to role my own, so does she!"
Tuesday, June 5, 2001 -- Ten Again
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theatre to see Star Wars and more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size you idiot!"
Wednesday, June 6, 2001 -- Monkey Business
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.
One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar'?"
"No", answered the brother levelly, "I'm the 'chip monk'".
Thursday, June 7, 2001 -- The Taxi
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!!"
Monday, June 11, 2001 -- Which One?
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counsellor.
When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh," said the counsellor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Tuesday, June 12, 2001 -- The Independent Princess
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't think so."
Wednesday, June 13, 2001 -- Lost At Sea
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.
But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
Thursday, June 14, 2001 -- Message From Beyond
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"
(Thanks to Lise)
Friday, June 15, 2001 -- Bungee Jumpers
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIŅATA?"
(Thanks to Lynn)
Monday, June 18, 2001 -- Three Old Men
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I do my business with the gusto of a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
Tuesday, June 19, 2001 -- The Pregnant Woman
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
Wednesday, June 20, 2001 -- Giving Gramps a Lift Home
VA police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
Thursday, June 21, 2001 -- Chance Encounter On A Flight
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
To which the man extends his hand and replies, "The name's Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein"
(Thanks to Evan)
Friday, June 22, 2001 -- Knowing People
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Colin?'"
Monday, June 25, 2001 -- Poor Fred
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Tuesday, June 26, 2001 -- Adam
God said to Adam, "Adam, Go down into that valley," and Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river," and Adam said "What's a river?"
And God explained it to him.
And then God said, "Go over the hill," and Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him.
Then he told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?"
And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find a woman," and Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce," and Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.
God said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
(Thanks to Judith)
Wednesday, June 27, 2001 -- The Friendly Washington Barber
A priest went into a Washington, D.C. barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked how much he owed the barber. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later, a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen senators waiting on the stoop.
Thursday, June 28, 2001 -- The Golf Shot
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Bill was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"
Bill was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
Bill had enough. He straightens up and shouts, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
Friday, June 29, 2001 -- The Prognosis
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
"Hmmm....just what was that law about gravity?"
I welcome your jokes
If you have one to send
click below and email it