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July, 2001

Monday, July 2, 2001 -- Getting Drunk

A man is sitting on his balcony, having a cold beer on a warm summer day. His son is sitting next to him and says "Doesn't beer make you drunk daddy?"

The father replies "Yes, if you take too much".

Then the boy asks his father "how do you know when you're drunk?"

His father replies "Well, you see those two guys across the street? When I start seeing four of them, then I'll know I'm drunk!"

"But daddy," says the boy, "there's only one guy across the street!"

(Thanks to Roger)

Tuesday, July 3, 2001 -- Mix-Up

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

Wednesday, July 4, 2001 -- Home Alone

A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"

Thursday, July 5, 2001 -- Membership Director

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also takes a gander. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

Friday, July 6, 2001 -- The Yugo & The Rolls

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?"

(Thanks to Kingsley)

Monday, July 23, 2001 -- Good Samaritans At The Bar

Noticing a man who appeared to be really drunk, a few of the guys at the bar decided to be good Samaritans and help him get home. They picked him up off the floor and dragged him out the door. The poor guy fell down three times on the way to the car.

Finding his house, they helped him out of the car and he fell down four more times on the way to his front door. The helpful fellows rang the doorbell and the man's wife came to the door. One said, "Here's your husband! We got him home safe and sound!"

The man's wife gave the group a shocked look. "But where the hell is his wheelchair?"

Tuesday, July 24, 2001 -- The Druggist

The druggist approached the customer who had just lit a cigar. "Excuse me," he said, "but you can't smoke in here."

The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't!! I just bought the damn thing here!"

"Big deal," replied the druggist. "We sell condoms here too."

Wednesday, July 25, 2001 -- The Barbeque

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.

It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"

Thursday, July 26, 2001 -- Having Mom For Dinner

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Friday, July 27, 2001 -- Morris

77-year-old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, "poof"... the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then "poof" the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen," That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, " Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and "poof" the light goes on in the bathroom and then "poof" the light goes off?"

Becky replied, "The darn fool!... He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Monday, July 30, 2001 -- Prison Riot

Now then," said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot. "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And the cell? What did you use to break the bars?"

Replied the spokesman, "Toast."

Tuesday, July 31, 2001 -- The Revenue Canada Visit

Joseph was called to testify at Revenue Canada, so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him.

Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.

Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.

"Let me tell you a story," the priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel."

Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with Revenue Canada?"

"Simple," replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

Picture Of The Month

"Hmmm....I can stay above this clown and be real quiet.....
Or I can give him a treat he'll never forget!"

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