JOKE DU JOUR
Wednesday, August 1, 2001 -- Dreams
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
Thursday, August 2, 2001 -- Pessimistic Friend
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The pessimistic friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend, "He can't swim."
Friday, August 3, 2001 -- Seat On The Bus
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."
Monday, August 20, 2001 -- The Widow
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes" he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"
Tuesday, August 21, 2001 -- The Mute Parrot
A fellow buys a parrot, but the parrot's vocabulary is rude at best. The fellow tries to reform his parrot by offering tidbits, shouts, and more, but nothing works.
Frustrated, he throws parrot into the freezer, and can still hear insults for a few minutes. But then there is a sudden silence. Worried that he's broken the bird, he whips open the freezer.
The parrot comes out with wholly-changed demeanor. It says:, "On reflection, my language has been improper. I intend to change. I beg your pardon."
There's a pause, then the parrot adds, "May I ask what, exactly, the turkey did?"
Wednesday, August 22, 2001 -- Dog At The Movies
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"
Thursday, August 23, 2001 -- Be Careful What You Say
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Friday, August 24, 2001 -- The Anniversary
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
Monday, August 27, 2001 -- In The Garden
Two elderly ladies met at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Tuesday, August 28, 2001 -- Horseback Moron
A moron decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the moron begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side off the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, the moron leaps away from the horse to try to throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup and he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground again and again. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ...
the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Wednesday, August 29, 2001 -- Library Complaints
Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?" replied the librarian.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" said Judi
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
Thursday, August 30, 2001 -- First Day Of School
A Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I just don't want to go to school."
"But, John, you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader."
"And besides, you're 40 years old and YOU ARE THE PRINCIPAL!"
(Thanks to Keith)
Friday, August 31, 2001 -- The Bridge Player
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be angry if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later her husband died. The women were sitting around the card table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife calmly replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself."
(Thanks to Keith)
Who says guys never put the seat down!
I welcome your jokes
If you have one to send
click below and email it