JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, October 1, 2001 -- Pig with Wooden Leg
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
Tuesday, October 2, 2001 -- A Cure For The Hiccups
A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.
"What'd you do that for?" the man asked.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
"No," the man replied, "but my wife out in the car still does!"
Wednesday, October 3, 2001 -- The Drunk
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my private parts."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
(Thanks to Chris)
Thursday, October 4, 2001 -- Farming Policeman
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, ... "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
Friday, October 5, 2001 -- Future Widower
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
Monday, October 8, 2001 -- Funeral
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements.
Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
Tuesday, October 9, 2001 -- The Navy Officer
A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."
Wednesday, October 10, 2001 -- That Dirty Bird
A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.
One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully coloured parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.
When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.
When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird Looked them over and said,"New house, new madam, new whores!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.
Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!"
Thursday, October 11, 2001 -- History Lesson
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Friday, October 12, 2001 -- The Deli & The Taxman
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by Revenue Canada about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
Monday, October 15, 2001 -- The Ferry
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
Tuesday, October 16, 2001 -- Safe Smoking
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A condom'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80's), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter she replies, as long as it fits a Camel."
The druggist fainted......
Wednesday, October 17, 2001 -- The Burglar
This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote Scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"
The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"
The woman replied, "I quoted Scripture."
The cop turned to the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"
The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."
Thursday, October 18, 2001 -- Do Unto Others...
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"Well, It's ultimately in the judge's hand's," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if you sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no!" replied the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them. That's how we won the case."
"What?" gasped his client. "I don't understand!"
The lawyer shrugged, "I also enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Friday, October 19, 2001 -- The Puzzle
John gets a call from his girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him at the door and leads him into her kitchen to show him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw puzzle and then turns to Buffy and says, "For God's sake - put the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Monday, October 22, 2001 -- Marooned
A man was out on the ocean and caught in a raging storm. His boat was capsized and he was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day while sitting on the beach he saw a speck in the distance.
"Could that be a boat?" he said. As he watched the speck came closer. "No", he said, "maybe it is a raft." The speck came closer and suddenly a gorgeous blonde came out of the water in a wet suit and walked up on shore.
She said, "How long have you been here?" He replied, "Ten years."
She said, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?" He replied, "Ten years."
She unzipped a pocket in her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and handed them to him. He lit up and said, "Oh....this is great!"
Then she said, "How long has it been since you had a drink?" He replied again, "Ten years."
She unzipped a pocket on her left side and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He took a drink and said, "Oh...wonderful!!"
Then she began to unzip the big zipper down the front of her wet suit and she said,
"How long has it been since you had fun?"
He looked at her wide eyed and exclaimed, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there?"
(Thanks to Evelyn)
Tuesday, October 23, 2001 -- Kitty Kitty
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son must be very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession. Does he care for all types of animals?"
"No, he only cares for cats," she replied.
"That's interesting. Where does he practice?" asked the priest.
"Well, he has one cat house in Reno and another in Dallas."
Wednesday, October 24, 2001 -- First Operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Thursday, October 25, 2001 -- Playing with Grandpa
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"
Friday, October 26, 2001 -- Senior Citizen Sex
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67-year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare.
Monday, October 29, 2001 -- Blood Suckers
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
Tuesday, October 30, 2001 -- Good News?
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
Wednesday, October 31, 2001 -- The Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a Halloween party. On the day of the party the wife had a terrible headache. She told her, husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great so she decided to go to the party to see just what hubby does when she isn't around. So she put on her costume and went to the party.
When she arrived she noticed her husband on the dance floor dancing with every good looking female in the place. He was copping a feel whenever he could.
She then cut in to the dance circle, and rubbing close to him, let him grab and feel her all over. When the song ended he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and got busy in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.
When he arrived at home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have any fun when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to told me he had the time of his life!"
Safe Flying & Happy Halloween!
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