JOKE DU JOUR
Friday, November 2, 2001 -- The Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Monday, November 5, 2001 -- The Cabbie & The Nun
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." Said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun said, "That's ok, I'm on my way to a Halloween Party and my name is Kevin."
(Thanks to Keith)
Tuesday, November 6, 2001 -- Army Man
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."
Wednesday, November 7, 2001 -- Military Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
(Thanks to Lise)
Thursday, November 8, 2001 -- Make Over
"My, but you look different today Claudia," commented Rene to her coworker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"
"No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."
Friday, November 9, 2001 -- Union House
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he inquired.
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, ... gesturing to an unattractive old woman in the corner, "... but Bertha here has seniority!"
Monday, November 12, 2001 -- Dental Work
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
Tuesday, November 13, 2001 -- Golfing With Cows
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Wednesday, November 14, 2001 -- The Speeding Ticket
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all travelling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The Policeman handed him the ticket, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"
Thursday, November 15, 2001 -- The Patients
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Friday, November 16, 2001 -- The Atheist
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Monday, November 19, 2001 -- Future Son-in-law
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "My dear guests, I have a proposition for every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he had. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the $1 million?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the name of the person who pushed me in!"
Tuesday, November 20, 2001 -- Fortune Teller
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
Wednesday, November 21, 2001 -- Old Man/Young Wife
An old man was 89-years-old and he wanted to marry a 24 year old girl.
His son told him, "You can't marry a 24-year-old girl."
He said, "Why not?"
The son said, "If you marry a 24-year-old girl, you'll have to have sex with her and that could be fatal!"
The old man thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well if she dies, she dies."
Thursday, November 22, 2001 -- Three Cowboys
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
Friday, November 23, 2001 -- The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
Monday, November 26, 2001 -- Sesame Street School Bus Driver
This is the story of a Sesame Street school bus driver, who badly wanted to be relieved from his job.
When asked by his doctor why, the man explained it was the stress. He said that at his first stop he has to collect two very overweight sisters, on another stop he had to collect a "special" child named Ross and yet at another pick up a kid named Lester Breeze who when he got on the bus took off his shoes and socks and picked his bunions.
Yes, to put it in a nutshell, the driver informed the doctor that great stress after many years can be caused by..... Two obese sisters, special Ross, Lester Breeze picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.
(Thanks to Keith)
Tuesday, November 27, 2001 -- Pay Day
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Wednesday, November 28, 2001 -- The Constipated Man
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realized that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"
Thursday, November 29, 2001 -- The Math Professor & His Wife
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Friday, November 30, 2001 -- The Dairy Store
Dr. Blum was tired of the rat race at Metropolitan Hospital. One day over lunch he confided in a comrade: "Paul, Ruth and I are leaving soon, moving to Israel. I've already started the paperwork for a little mom and pop business there, something to keep us busy."
"Tell me about it," prompted his friend.
"Nothing fancy... just a little dairy products store in the Holy Land," Dr. Blum continued, "we're going to call it... Cheeses of Nazareth."
Does A Bear Pee In The Woods......
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