JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, December 3, 2001 -- The Twins
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Tuesday, December 4, 2001 -- Christmas Shopping
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early." replied the defendant.
"That's no offense." said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened." countered the prisoner.
Wednesday, December 5, 2001 -- Saint Peter's Day Off
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honour?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
Thursday, December 6, 2001 -- The Christmas Angel
Far away in Santa's village, the not so jolly old guy was trying to get the final preparations done for his Christmas trip. Things had not been going too well as one of his best elves was ill with the flu, and toy production had fallen behind schedule. Two of his fastest reindeers were pregnant and another two had taken off into the forest. Santa was getting more and more frustrated by the minute.
Then Mrs. Claus announced that her mother was coming to stay for the holidays, this didn't help Santa's mood!! He stomped out to the sleigh shed and as he was loading the bags of toys, one of the runners split in two and the whole sleigh collapsed sending toys all over the ground.
Santa was not pleased and decided to go back into the house and have a nice cup of coffee and he went to add a dash of brandy but found that the elves had cleaned out the liquor cabinet. He was so angry that he banged the coffee pot down on the counter and it broke into a hundred pieces.
When he went to the cupboard to get the broom he found that the mice had eaten all of the straw from the broom. As he bent down to pick up the pieces of the broken pot the doorbell rang and he angrily strode off to see who it was, swearing a mile a minute.
When he opened the door, there stood the tiniest angel carrying a huge Christmas tree, and she said: "Santa, where do you want me to put this tree?"
And that folks is how the angel got to be on the top of the Christmas tree !!!!!!!
(Thanks to Dianne)
Friday, December 7, 2001 -- The Devil
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
Monday, December 10, 2001 -- Communist Weather
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Tuesday, December 11, 2001 -- Yuletide Parking
An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out.
Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"
To which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."
As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche.
He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?"
To which she replied, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!"
Wednesday, December 12, 2001 -- The Drunken Dart Player
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass. The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
(Thanks to Keith)
Thursday, December 13, 2001 -- Nickels & Dimes
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
Monday, December 17, 2001 -- Sneezing Grandpa
The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
Tuesday, December 18, 2001 -- The Cheap Christmas Present
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Wednesday, December 19, 2001 -- Earning Extra Money
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the pastor outside to look at their work. "The color looks a little dull," the pastor said. "You boys didn't cut the paint with water did you?"
They hung their heads and confessed they had. The pastor was very firm with them and said, "You must repaint and thin no more."
Thursday, December 20, 2001 -- Computer Addict
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's computer obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.
She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!" He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex!", "Super Sex!", "Super Sex!"
Finally, he replies, "Okay, Okay, I'll take the soup."
Friday, December 21, 2001 -- A Trip To The Doctor
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."
"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."
"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."
Monday, December 31, 2001 -- Sneaky, sneaky...
John was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter, yelling, using foul language, etc. The agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while he ripped a strip off of her.
When John finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him. How can you possibly be that nice?"
The agent smiled and said, "It's easy. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Japan."
-- New Name
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose... Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey.
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names. Lest we take ourselves too seriously, take a moment to find your new name and wear it with humour for the day...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a= stinky; b = lumpy; c = buttercup; d = gidget;
e = crusty; f = greasy; g = fluffy; h = cheeseball;
i = chim-chim; j = poopsie; k = flunky; l = booger;
m = pinky; n = zippy; o = goober; p = doofus;
q = slimy; r = loopy; s = snotty; t = falafel;
u = dorkey; v = squeezit; w = oprah; x = skipper;
y = dinky; z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:
a = diaper; b = toilet; c = giggle; d = bubble;
e = girdle; f = barf; g = lizard; h = waffle;
i = cootie; j = monkey; k = potty; l = liver;
m = banana; n = rhino; o = burger; p = hamster;
q = toad; r = gizzard; s = pizza; t = gerbil;
u = chicken; v = pickle; w = chuckle; x = tofu;
y = gorilla; z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:
a = head; b = mouth; c = face; d = nose;
e = tush; f = breath; g = pants; h = shorts;
i = lips; j = honker; k = butt; l = brain;
m = tushie; n = chunks; o = hiney; p = biscuits;
q = toes; r = buns; s = fanny; t = sniffer;
u = sprinkles; v = kisser; w = squirt; x = humperdinck;
y = brains; z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. Bill Clinton's new name is Booger Liverchunks and my name is Falafel Burgernose.
Cut and paste this little fun test. Then, forward it to all your friends, using your new name as the title of the subject line. Send a copy to me too. I'd love to see your new name.
(Thanks to Ryan for sending this one in, or is it Stinky Diapershorts)
Santa might be a little late this year......
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