JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, January 7, 2002 -- The Bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
(Thanks to Danielle)
Tuesday, January 8, 2002 -- The Toilet Seat
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
Wednesday, January 9, 2002 -- The Photographer And The Forest Fire
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
(Thanks to Keith)
Thursday, January 10, 2002 -- Sinful Sisters
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Friday, January 11, 2002 -- And God Created Cow
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that's why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
(Thanks to William)
Monday, January 14, 2002 -- Finance
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the bedroom door frame. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news.
He replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
(Thanks to Esther)
Tuesday, January 15, 2002 -- Cow Business
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down, just as my wife walked in."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
Wednesday, January 16, 2002 -- Skydiving
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."
Thursday, January 17, 2002 -- Pills
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Friday, January 18, 2002 -- The Purse Snatcher
An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher.
"Help, help," she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my aunt's pay -- he's taken my aunt's pay!"
"OK, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."
Monday, January 21, 2002 -- Getting Older
Leah and Susan are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Susan is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Susan cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Leah.
"Yes," says Susan, "but your husband's an antique dealer."
Tuesday, January 22, 2002 -- Road Stop
"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"
Wednesday, January 23, 2002 -- The Dishwasher Repairman
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.
By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
(Thanks to Diana)
Thursday, January 24, 2002 -- The Mourner
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Friday, January 25, 2002 -- The Dirty Professor
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
Monday, January 28, 2002 -- The Painting Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Wow, righteous lookin' babes. Great bodes" says the man. "By the way, where do you want the blinds?"
(Thanks to Esther)
Tuesday, January 29, 2002 -- The Quiet Thief
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Wednesday, January 30, 2002 -- Dead Rabbit
A man was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
Thursday, January 31, 2002 -- Sheep Short Cut
Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
"Yippie!!!!!!!" cried Scotland's leapfrog dog champion
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