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February, 2002

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - February 2002
What Movie Merchandising Tie-In Did You Wish For Last Year? [81 votes total]

A Beautiful Zoloft Mind (4) 5%
American Pie II Trojans (14) 17%
Harvey's Lord Of The Onion Rings (42) 52%
Reese's Hannibal Pieces (16) 20%
Shallow Hal Cologne By Calvin Klein (5) 6%

Friday, February 1, 2002 -- Grin and Bear It

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."

Monday, February 4, 2002 -- The $10 Flight

Every year, Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed, and up they went.

The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"

Tuesday, February 5, 2002 -- The Archaeologist

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Wednesday, February 6, 2002 -- The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."

Thursday, February 7, 2002 -- Hospital Stay

Two little boys were in the hospital awaiting for their operations. The first little boy says to the second little boy "What are you in here for?"

The second boy says, "Oh, I have to have my tonsils out and I am so scared!"

"Oh, don't worry, it's a piece of cake," said the first boy, " I had mine out last year and I got lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It was fantastic!"

Then the second boy asked, "What are you in for?"

"I have to be circumcised," said the first boy.

"Oh man," exclaimed the second boy, "they did that to me when I was born and I didn't walk for a year!"

(Thanks to Carole)

Friday, February 8, 2002 -- The Lawyer & The Minister

A pompous Southern minister is seated next to an attorney on a recent flight. After the plane is airborne, the flight attendant comes around for drink orders. The attorney asks for a Gin and tonic, which is brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replies in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!...

... The attorney politely hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice...

Saturday, February 9, 2002 -- Size Matters

The 9th-grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: I've three things to say to you, young lady....

First, you didn't do your homework;

Second, you have a dirty mind;

and Third........you're in for a big disappointment!"

(Thanks to Danielle)

Monday, February 11, 2002 -- At The Racetrack

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business. Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he said, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."

Tuesday, February 12, 2002 -- Breakfast & Viagra

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."

Wednesday, February 13, 2002 -- Cold Chili

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."

"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.

"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No."

"Would you sell it to me?"

"You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Thursday, February 14, 2002 -- Valentine Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer..."

Friday, February 15, 2002 -- Valentine Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Monday, February 18, 2002 -- Fly Swatter

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Tuesday, February 19, 2002 -- Confessional

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery."

"How many times?" asked the priest. "Three times," replied the woman.

"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," said the priest.

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asked the priest. "I committed adultery," replied the man.

"How many times?" asked the priest. "Three times," replied the man.

"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," said the priest.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the rabbi. "I committed adultery," replied the woman.

"How many times?" asked the rabbi. "Once," responded the woman.

Said the rabbi, "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

(Thanks to Esther)

Wednesday, February 20, 2002 -- The Brothel

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits a famous brothel in Nevada. It's only his second time in the USA.

The Madam asks him to be seated. She sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear, and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do! Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two, smacks him as hard as she can, and runs away!

Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She asks Bob, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bob said: "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian dollars."

(Thanks to William)

Thursday, February 21, 2002 -- Father, I've Fallen

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."

Friday, February 22, 2002 -- Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

(Thanks to Ruth)

Monday, February 25, 2002 -- The Old Man & The Doctor

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since December."

Tuesday, February 26, 2002 -- Food For Thought

Seymour was a good, deeply religious man. When Seymour passed away he was greeted at the Pearly Gates by the Lord himself. "Hungry, Seymour?" said the Lord.

"I could eat," Seymour replied. So the good Lord opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of fresh rye bread and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour was quiet.

The next day the Lord again invited Seymour to join him for a meal, and again the Lord served tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Seymour could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Seymour said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "Lord I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O Lord, but I just don't understand."

The Lord sighed: "Let's be honest, Seymour - for just two people does it make sense to cook?"

(Thanks to Sandy)

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 -- Missionary

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My Bike."

Thursday, February 28, 2002 -- S&M

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

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Getting Your Ass In Gear

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