JOKE DU JOUR
Friday, March 1, 2002 -- The Drunk
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
Monday, March 4, 2002 -- Great Dane
A man went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a beer.
A few minutes later, another fellow walked in and said, "Is that your dog outside?"
"Yes. What of it?" said the first man.
"I'm sorry, but I think my dog may have killed him."
"What kind of dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?" said the first man stunned.
"Well, he's a Chihuahua."
"Ha! How can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"
"I think he may have gotten stuck in his throat." said the second man.
Tuesday, March 5, 2002 -- Buying Condoms
A young man entered a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist told him that the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asked which pack the young man wanted.
"Well, I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot," the young man explained. "We're having dinner with her parents tonight and then we're going out and I really think tonight's the night I'm getting lucky. And once she's had me, I know she'll want me all the time, so I guess I better get the 12-pack." He purchased the condoms and left.
Sitting down at dinner with his girlfriend's parents that evening, he asked if he could give the blessing. He began the prayer, but continued praying for several minutes. Finally his girlfriend leaned over and said, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He whispered back, "And you never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
(Thanks to Keith)
Wednesday, March 6, 2002 -- What Does Your Dad Do?
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
Jimmy blushes and says, "No teacher I'm sorry, but my dad plays hockey for the US Olympic team, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
Thursday, March 7, 2002 -- The Honeymoon Couple & The Parrot
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room where, much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo. This I gotta see!!"
Friday, March 8, 2002 -- The Butler's Night Off
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
(Thanks to Keith)
Monday, March 11, 2002 -- Vice President
Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of peas, please?"
The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"
Tuesday, March 12, 2002 -- Lover's Lane
As Sam and Tina parked in a crowded lovers lane, Tina sighed romantically: "Its lovely out here tonight just listen to the crickets."
"Those aren't crickets," Sam replied. "They're zippers."
Wednesday, March 13, 2002 -- Fully Equipped
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Thursday, March 14, 2002 -- George & The Prostitute
George and Harriet were married 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Friday, March 15, 2002 -- Breakfast
At breakfast one day, Kay eagerly waited for Dan to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, Kay asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his newspaper Dan replied, "About 10 years."
Monday, March 18, 2002 -- Love At First Sight
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
Tuesday, March 19, 2002 -- The Test
This past fall semester at Duke University, there were two sophomores taking Organic Chemistry who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms and labs, such that going into the final, they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday) they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.
They had a great time, however, nursing hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final at that time, they found Professor Aldric after class, to explain why they missed it. They told him they had gone up to UVA for the weekend and planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over, then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and instructed them to begin.
They each looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation (worth 5 points). "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy!" They answered the first problem, then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: Which tire? (95 points)
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 -- Long Live The Lawyer?
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be 40."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Thursday, March 21, 2002 -- Two Buffalo
Two buffalo were standing out on their home on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know ... I think I just heard a discouraging word.
Friday, March 22, 2002 -- The Perfect Church Design
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
Monday, March 25, 2002 -- The Phone Call
Amy was in the habit of having long conversations on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes.
"What is the matter today?" asked Bill. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Amy.
Tuesday, March 26, 2002 -- Violin Lessons
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Wednesday, March 27, 2002 -- Late
John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's good" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Thursday, March 28, 2002 -- Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
Friday, March 29, 2002 -- Easter Weekend
Three fools try to jump to the Grand Canyon in their car. To make a long story short, they end up at the Pearly Gates, where they meet St. Peter. However, St. Peter can't find any documentation on any of them. He decides, it being Easter weekend, that he'll let them in if they can answer a simple question......"What," he asked, "is Easter?"
The first fool says it's the holiday where everyone gets together in the fall, eats turkey and gives thanks for what they have. St. Peter cuts him off. He asks the second fool the same question.
"Easter is the holiday when we put up a tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter is now flustered, and losing hope that any of them will get in. Finally, the third fool smiles confidently and says, "I know what Easter is." St. Peter has his doubts, but lets the fool talk.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. After the last supper with his disciples, Jesus was betrayed and turned over to the Romans, who convicted him of treason, forced him to wear a crown of thorns and crucified him with thieves. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed by his followers with a large boulder."
St. Peter is thrilled. He moves his hand to the security buzzer, to let the pearly gates swing open.
Just as the fool finishes up: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
(Thanks to Lise)
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