JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, June 3, 2002 -- Lamaze Class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Tuesday, June 4, 2002 -- Golf Skills
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
Wednesday, June 5, 2002 -- The Golfing Priest
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
Thursday, June 6, 2002 -- The Golfers
A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.
"What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
"Here comes the greens keeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge."
Everyone was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight."
"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.
The lawyer thought for a minute and asked, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Friday, June 7, 2002 -- Another Golf Joke
A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.
Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."
So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her.
Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."
"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."
Monday, June 10, 2002 -- Golf Ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is flourescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
(Thanks to Keith)
Tuesday, June 11, 2002 -- The Golfer & Last Respect
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took off his hat, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."
The golfer turned to him and said, "Well, it was the least I could do. We were married for 45 years!"
(Thanks to Kingsley)
Wednesday, June 12, 2002 -- Golf In Heaven
Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did you find out?"
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK, what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.
"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!!
(Thanks to David)
Thursday, June 13, 2002 -- Lover In The Closet
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "How much?"
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
(Thanks to Keith)
Friday, June 14, 2002 -- The Frog
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says, "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it's OK because he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will have to secure some collateral against this loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this" and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and she disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So, the manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knickknack, Patti Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
Monday, June 17, 2002 -- The Country Birth
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Tuesday, June 18, 2002 -- 50th Wedding Anniversary
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife," Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?" The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."
Wednesday, June 19, 2002 -- Vaseline
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "Sure, my husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out!"
Thursday, June 20, 2002 -- The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
Friday, June 21, 2002 -- Dead Bunny
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the dead rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um..no..um..what happened?"
The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there..."
Monday, June 24, 2002 -- Parrot
A woman had a female parrot. The parrot kept saying, 'Hello, I like you, I want you badly. Do you want to have some fun?'
The woman was frantic. She went to her pastor to find a solution to the problem. Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read.
The woman brought the parrot and put her into the cage. She squawked, 'Hello, I like you, I want you badly. Do you want to have some fun?'
One male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered.'
Tuesday, June 25, 2002 -- Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into an empty house in the middle of the night. He had taken just a few steps when he heard a voice boom out in the darkness, saying, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"
He stopped dead in his tracks, waited a few minutes, when he heard nothing else he began tiptoeing forward only to hear "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" again. He froze and began looking frantically around to see who had said that.
Finally, over in a dark corner he spotted a bird cage and in the bird cage was a parrot. He said to the parrot, "Did you say 'Jesus is watching you' just now?"
The parrot said, "Yes, I did."
The burglar said, "What is your name?"
The parrot answered, "Moses"
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 -- The Golfing Nun
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
'Is that when you swore?'
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"
Thursday, June 27, 2002 -- Bad Speller
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. He then quickly scratches, "Head on curb."
Friday, June 28, 2002 -- Reunited We Stand
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"
"Get out! I went to Francis Lewis! And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."
Ahhhh, summer . . . but how do you explain those tan lines at the gym?
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