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July, 2002

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - July 2002
Most Likely Ways Kids Will Spend Their Summer Vacation [78 votes total]

Stalking that certain teacher all summer long (6) 8%
Honing their math skills at the racetrack (5) 6%
Making paper planes out of WorldCom stock certificates (2) 3%
Challenging the chlorine to pee ratio in public pools (48) 62%
Heavily sedated and duct-taped to a wall (17) 22%

Monday, July 1, 2002 -- Dying Mother Superior

The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk.

Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell that cow!"

Tuesday, July 2, 2002 -- The Hamster & The Frog

A mangy-looking guy went into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy said, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender said, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" said the guy, and he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a hamster. He put the hamster on the bar's piano and it started playing a song. And the hamster was really good.

The bartender said, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."

The guy downed the drink and asked the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle, or else no drink," said the bartender.

The guy reached into his coat again and pulled out a frog. He put the frog on the bar, and the frog started to sing. He had a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar ran over to the guy and offered him $300 for the frog. The guy said, "It's a deal." He took the $300 and gave the stranger the frog.

The stranger ran out of the bar. The bartender said to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," said the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Wednesday, July 3, 2002 -- The Diagnosis

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Thursday, July 4, 2002 -- Watergate Hotel

A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.

The bride is concerned about the room being bugged.

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

(Thanks to Danielle)

Friday, July 5, 2002 -- Pregnant Pause

Did you hear the one about the college girl who went to a fraternity beer party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the frat boys and soon discovered she was pregnant?

After her baby was born, she decided to write a book about her experience. Do you know what she called it?

"From Beer to Maternity"

Monday, July 22, 2002 -- Optimist's Hunting Dog

Two friends -- one an optimist and the other a pessimist -- could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continually pessimistic way of thinking. The optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water.

His plan? Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

Tuesday, July 23, 2002 -- Near Death Experience

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says, "No" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She's walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".

God replies, "I didn't recognize you.

(Thanks to Esther)

Wednesday, July 24, 2002 -- Fred & Ginger

Fred got off the elevator on the 14th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and to his amazement and joy, was as lovely and sweet as his friend Michael had promised.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Ginger while you're waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She'll roll over, shake hands, sit up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she'll jump through."

The dog followed Fred out onto the balcony and started rolling over. Fred made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Ginger jumped right through -- and over the balcony railing...

Just then Fred's date walked out.

"Isn't little Ginger the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth," he replied, "she seemed a little depressed to me."

Thursday, July 25, 2002 -- Surgery

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.

Friday, July 26, 2002 -- Texas Baby

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of Wow!" are heard. A woman faints from sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and says, "Had him circumcised."

Monday, July 29, 2002 -- Climax

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doc. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Tuesday, July 30, 2002 -- The Fire Pole

A man meets a boyhood friend.

"What have you been doing with yourself?" asks the man.

"I'm a firefighter" answers the friend.

"Really? My son is 15 and he dreams of becoming a firefighter," said the first.

"Well, said the firefighter, "If you want a really good tip, you should have a fireman's pole installed in your house that would go from the first floor to the basement so your son can practice on it. The most difficult thing for a fireman to do is to jump into the air and slide down the fire pole"

The two men meet again ten years later.

"So, did you install the fire pole?" ask the friend.

"Yep," replied the father.

"And, did your son become a firefighter?" ask the friend.

"No," said the father, "but my two daughters are strippers!!"

(Thanks to Michel)

Wednesday, July 31, 2002 -- Toll Booth Wreck

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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In the war against terrorism, everybody's a suspect!

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