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August, 2002

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - August 2002
Tips Martha Stewart Would Share In Jail [64 votes total]

Only one thing can make solitary homey . . . potpourri (9) 14%
Stripes can be slimming (11) 17%
Decoupage with stock certificates (5) 8%
For salads, never ask for the big house dressing (10) 16%
The biggest inmate is your friend . . . give her a make-over (14) 22%
Use soft lighting in escape tunnels (15) 23%

Inmate Martha

Thursday, August 1, 2002 -- Do Something Nice For Uncle Charlie

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Friday, August 2, 2002 -- Doctor's Advice

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor said to the man, "you're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc. Get me a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said , "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

(Thanks to Doug)

Monday, August 19, 2002 -- Prison Riot

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

Tuesday, August 20, 2002 -- Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all. Nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Thursday, August 22, 2002 -- The Suit

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Friday, August 23, 2002 -- American And Iraqi Soldiers

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!' He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"Really, then what happened?" asked the squad leader.

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

Monday, August 26, 2002 -- The Wife & The Carburetor

A wife came home and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

The husband asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburetor. The husband thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.

"OK Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

And the wife replied, "In the lake."

(Thanks to Esther)

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 -- A Call From The Doctor

A man gets a telephone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "About this test I did on you, I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have 24 hours to live."

The man cries, "If that is the bad news, then what could possibly be the worse news?"

"I couldn't get a hold of you yesterday."

Wednesday, August 28, 2002 -- The Rookie

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

Thursday, August 29, 2002 -- The Slave Ship

The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."

The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver. "The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."

Friday, August 30, 2002 -- The Lingerie Counter

A woman was working at a lingerie counter when a customer approached with a pair of frilly panties.

"I'd like to buy these," she said, "but only if you can embroider 'If you can read this, you're too close' on the back."

So the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in the back room and described the rather unusual request. The tailor said, "I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?"

Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, "Do you want that in block letters or script?" And the customer replied with a smile, "Braille."

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