JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, September 2, 2002 -- Secrets and Lies
One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room."Um, honey, I got something to tell you," he said. "Hold on," the wife says, "I've got something to tell you first." "What is it?" asks the husband. "Well," the wife begins, "before we knew each other, I . . . uh . . . had a sex change." "What exactly are you saying?" "Simply put," the wife says, "I used to be a man." "My god," the husband replies, "and you've been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!"
Tuesday, September 3, 2002 -- The Elderly Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: " Are you the owner?"
Wednesday, September 4, 2002 -- The Race Track
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last! Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?" "That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites." (Thanks to Pierre)
Thursday, September 5, 2002 -- The Black Eye
A man went into work one Monday morning and noticed that his co-worker had a black eye."What happened to you?" the man asked. "Were you mugged?" "Worse," the coworker said. "Were you hit by a car?" the first man said. "What happened?" "My wife and I went up to that bed and breakfast this weekend to meet some friends," he said. The first guy persisted: "How'd you get that shiner? How did you get those bruises on your arms? And what about that cut over your other eye? Were you in an auto accident?" "Well," his friend continued, "Sunday morning we were seated at the table with our friends, plus another couple on their honeymoon. We were all having breakfast together when the honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in their eyes. The groom turned to his new bride and asked 'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar.' We all smiled and my wife had that romantic look. Then our friend said to his wife, 'Please pass the honey, honey.' My wife gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. The last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to her and saying 'Please pass the tea-bag.'"
Friday, September 6, 2002 -- A Quickie
Barney and Jill decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Monday, September 9, 2002 -- Late Night Tea
A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to carry it to the bedroom.As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup he slurs: "Do lemons have little yellow feet?" The wife looks at him: "No!" "Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."
Tuesday, September 10, 2002 -- God Bless
A father put his three year old to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, " God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Gramma and goodbye Grandpa."The father asked, "why did you say goodbye Grampa?" The little girl said, "I don't know it just seemed the thing to do." The next day Grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the little girl to bed and listened to her prayer, which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy and goodbye Gramma." The next day Gramma died. My gosh thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up early to go to the office. He was as nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be ok. He felt safe in the office so instead of going home he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sign of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late what's wrong?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, this has been the worst day of my life." She said,"You think you had a bad day, you'll never guess what happen to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Thursday, September 12, 2002 -- The Magician & The Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
Friday, September 13, 2002 -- Renting A Video
Sally decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.She goes to the video store, quickly selects an erotically titled video from the shelf, and then proceeds to pay the cashier. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen. So she calls the video store to complain. Sally said, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." The store clerk replied, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Sally replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."
Monday, September 16, 2002 -- Door-To-Door Church Members
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said... "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat." (Thanks to Kingsley)
Tuesday, September 17, 2002 -- Farmer Jones
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there." The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and take advantage of me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Wednesday, September 18, 2002 -- Math
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focussed and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
Thursday, September 19, 2002 -- How Did It Happen?
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg."Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Friday, September 20, 2002 -- Dinner
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air."Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies...."You just happened to catch my eye" (Thanks to Dayle)
Monday, September 23, 2002 -- Spice Up Your Marriage
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring."Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Simple," said Irving, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
Tuesday, September 24, 2002 -- Top Secret
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Wednesday, September 25, 2002 -- On The Way Home
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows."Twenty bucks," she says. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face." (Thanks to Evan)
Thursday, September 26, 2002 -- Look out below!
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
Friday, September 27, 2002 -- The Pious and the Atheist
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Monday, September 30, 2002 -- What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by.She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure!," said Becky. " Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
"So that's where that sound is coming from!"
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