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October, 2002

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - October 2002
Television show least likely to be picked up as a mid-season replacement? [91 votes total]

Who Wants To Marry A Midget? (8) 9%
Elevator: Life In The Shaft (8) 9%
Dateline With Carrot Top (14) 15%
Who Wants To Be An Executioner? (1) 1%
CSI: Red Deer (13) 14%
Everybody Hates Martha (47) 52%

Tuesday, October 1, 2002 -- The Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard.

Vultures are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Sshhh, they're getting closer."

Wednesday, October 2, 2002 -- Friendly Pig

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

Thursday, October 3, 2002 -- Mother-In-Law

John went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, John's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, he went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told John that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

John thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says John. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!!"

(Thanks to Michael)

Friday, October 4, 2002 -- Trucking

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

Monday, October 7, 2002 -- The Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earing." he replies sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Tuesday, October 8, 2002 -- Modern Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

"I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell', can't stay on the church roof!"

Wednesday, October 9, 2002 -- Sleeping

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Thursday, October 10, 2002 -- The Stove

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

Friday, October 11, 2002 -- A Call To The Kids

An elderly man in Vancouver called his son in Montreal. The father said to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hung up and the son immediately called his sister in Toronto, telling her the news. The sister said, "I'll handle this!" She called Vancouver and said to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Sunday night."

The father agreed. He hung up the phone and hollered to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

Monday, October 14, 2002 -- Fire & The Nuns

There was a fire one night at a convent and several retired nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped. They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, "We need to take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety."

Later as they were recounting the event to reporters, they were asked if they were afraid of the crude rope breaking.

"Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 -- The Man & The Ostrich

A man walked up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sat, the bartender walked over and asked for their order. The man said, "I'll have a beer," and turned to the ostrich. "I'll have a beer, too," said the ostrich. The bartender poured the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich came again, and the man said "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich said, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became a routine until, late one evening, the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.

The bartender charged the $7.50 and once again the man paid with exact change. The bartender couldn't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir," he said. "How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," said the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right!" said the man. "Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there."

The bartender asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

And the man replied, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Wednesday, October 16, 2002 -- Outdoor Sex

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

Thursday, October 17, 2002 -- A Trip To Europe

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked." I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Toronto Island Ferry."

(Thanks to Matthew)

Friday, October 18, 2002 -- Commuting To Work

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

Monday, October 21, 2002 -- Future Physician

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still my heart," thought the physician, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 -- Holmes & Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping one night. As they lay down Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Wednesday, October 23, 2002 -- Cannibals At Work

Five cannibals are hired as engineers in a defence company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't eat or nibble on any of the other employees".

The cannibals promise to be good. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand rises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says :"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Supervisors, Team Leaders, and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat someone who works for a living!"

(Thanks to Peter)

Thursday, October 24, 2002 -- The Insensitive Gorilla

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquillized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

Friday, October 25, 2002 -- The Organist

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, the national anthem.

Monday, October 28, 2002 -- The New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"

Tuesday, October 29, 2002 -- The Lifeboat

One day there were two drunks on a boat drinking beer. All of a sudden, a big storm approached. It tossed the boat from here to there, up and down, left and right.

When it passed, the drunks were stranded in a life boat for a few days. Just when they thought it was all over, one of the men spotted a bottle floating next to the life boat. He retrieved it from the ocean and, after giving it a quick rub, a genie popped out.

"I am a genie, and I will grant you one wish," said the genie.

The man who found the bottle replied, "I wish I had something to drink!"

"Granted." The genie disappeared and the ocean became all beer.

The other man said, "My God! Do you realize what you have done?"

The first man replied solemnly, "Yeah, now we have to pee in the boat."

Wednesday, October 30, 2002 -- Senior Suicide

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

(Thanks to Keith)

Thursday, October 31, 2002 -- Halloween Party

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail," says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"

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Scriptwriters polishing up the next Stephen Seagal movie

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