JOKE DU JOUR
Friday, November 1, 2002 -- High Mass
An older Jewish lady is invited to a high mass by her friend. She was delighted to accept the invitation, because she had never been to a mass before. So the two women, dressed in their finest, went to the high mass.A visiting Bishop was vested in his robes and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His robe was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke rising from it. The Jewish lady, sitting directly on the aisle, touched the Bishop on his shoulder as he passed her seat, and innocently said... "Darling I love your outfit, but your purse is on fire!"
Monday, November 4, 2002 -- The Campsite
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marvelled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
Tuesday, November 5, 2002 -- Helping the Elephant
A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way."I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself. It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO DEATH! Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.
Wednesday, November 6, 2002 -- Four Weeks Left
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment. Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" One gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good," said the group leader, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do. But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?" Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
Thursday, November 7, 2002 -- Giving Up Sex
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"The man asked the doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No," replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
Friday, November 8, 2002 -- Insurance Companies
Three insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening." The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening." The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Empire State Building. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."
Monday, November 11, 2002 -- Foot Draggers
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."
Tuesday, November 12, 2002 -- Smiling Corpses
Three smiling corpses were lying in a morgue in Arkansas, so a detective went there to find out the causes of death. The coroner pointed to the first dead man."This is Cletus," he said. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery." He then moved on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner said with a grin. "He died while makin' whoopee with Trudy-May." Finally he moved on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," said the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning." "Well," asked the detective, "Why was the fool smiling?" "Oh," said the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 -- Raising The Leg
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing.
The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"
The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!"
Thursday, November 14, 2002 -- Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Friday, November 15, 2002 -- The Student
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him."And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes." (Thanks to Lise)
Monday, November 18, 2002 -- The Convicts
A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.""What happened?" his new cellmate asked. And the old convict replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
Tuesday, November 19, 2002 -- John and Mary
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that dear John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In point of fact, he just walked in the front door."
Wednesday, November 20, 2002 -- Broken Zipper
There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." But then he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him.They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked. A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "are they showing any sign of life?" "Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
Thursday, November 21, 2002 -- Birthday Wishes
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
Friday, November 22, 2002 -- All in the Family
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed."Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Monday, November 25, 2002 -- The Hearing Aid
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson."That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
Tuesday, November 26, 2002 -- The General & The Valet
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet."Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
Wednesday, November 27, 2002 -- The Phone Call
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Thursday, November 28, 2002 -- The CEO
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need two copies of that." (Thanks to Lise)
Friday, November 29, 2002 -- Selling The Benz
A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 2002 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded , etc. Sell for $150.00.She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition. She asked the woman, "What's the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?" "Well," she said, "it's my husband's car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: 'In Miami. Need money. Sell car'."
"Bobby, I keep telling you, next time sneeze into a Kleenex!"
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