JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, December 2, 2002 -- Final Tax Payment
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Revenue Canada. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
Tuesday, December 3, 2002 -- Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Wednesday, December 4, 2002 -- Kentucky Hang Gliding
Not a lot of hang-gliding occurs in Kentucky. But Hank decides he wants to take up the sport so he saves his money and buys a hang-gliding kit.
After putting it together he climbs the highest hill in his area, straps himself in and starts running down the hill. Within twenty seconds he becomes airborne and is soon flying over beautiful hills and valleys.
Ma and Pa Hicks are sitting on the porch of their cabin when Ma looks up and says "Pa! Look at the size of the bird that just flew over the hill."
"Get me my gun Ma", says Pa. Bang! Bang! Bang! goes the gun until the object disappears over the next hill.
"You missed him Pa".
"Reckon I did Ma. But at least I made him drop Hank."(Thanks to Gary)
Thursday, December 5, 2002 -- Ice Fishing
There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."
Monday, December 9, 2002 -- Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered...
"I thought he was dead!"
Tuesday, December 10, 2002 -- Farmer Brown
The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife.
"Now listen, Luke," the doctor advised, "you have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care."
"Well, I do the best I can, Doc," the fellow cried. "You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired."
The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a-runnin'."
About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor, this time really depressed. "What's wrong" asked the doctor. "Didn't you take my advice?"
"Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week," moaned the farmer. "I haven't seen her since."
Wednesday, December 11, 2002 -- Homeless
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
Thursday, December 12, 2002 -- Where Have You Been?
A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Friday, December 13, 2002 -- The Ticket
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Monday, December 16, 2002 -- Jesus, Joseph & Mary
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."
Tuesday, December 17, 2002 -- Christmas Thank You
A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous cheques she had given. The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the cheques."
Wednesday, December 18, 2002 -- Scotch & Water
An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The elderly matron says, "Why, thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one as well."
The lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
"Comin' right up." As he puts the drink down in front of her, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The 80 year-old replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Thursday, December 19, 2002 -- The Hunters
Two guys out hunting in the woods discovered that they were lost. One of them says to the other, "If you fire a few shots into the air then someone would hear and come and rescue us".
The second friend fires twice in the air and they waited. After two hours and no one came the first friend suggest that maybe no one heard the first two shots and maybe the second friend should fire again.
This time the second friend fires three times into the air. After waiting again for another two hours and no one came, the first friend again suggests that they try one last time. To which the second friend replies, "I can't. I'm out of arrows".
Friday, December 20, 2002 -- No Christmas Gift
One year, a nice man decided to buy his wife a different gift for Christmas. He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her. The wife thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes.
So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Tuesday, December 31, 2002 -- Chemistry Teacher
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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