JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, January 6, 2003 -- Ransom Note
A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late." "Hey! Give me a break," whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."
Tuesday, January 7, 2003 -- The Hole
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast! The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!" So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened. "Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
Wednesday, January 8, 2003 -- Pirate Booty
A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
Thursday, January 9, 2003 -- Travel
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Friday, January 10, 2003 -- No. 5 Bus
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You goober! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
Monday, January 13, 2003 -- Getting Old
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Tuesday, January 14, 2003 -- The Horse
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.He asks, "What was that for?!" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it?!" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called!"
Wednesday, January 15, 2003 -- The Horse
A lovely young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"
Thursday, January 16, 2003 -- Self Esteem
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that ‘I' am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" To which the wife replied, "The flippin funeral director." (Thanks To Peter)
Friday, January 17, 2003 -- Musical Interlude
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Monday, January 20, 2003 -- Stand by Your Man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
Tuesday, January 21, 2003 -- Tour of London
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618. "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" bellowed the Texan. Replied the cabbie, "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
Wednesday, January 22, 2003 -- Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
Thursday, January 23, 2003 -- The Ice Fisherman
A guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing.He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice. Then he hears a big booming voice: "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again. Then he hears the voice again: "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up, "God, is that you?" There is no answer, so he starts picking again. "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!" Then the guy yells "God! is that you?" "NO, IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!!"
Friday, January 24, 2003 -- The Sea Monsters
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start, everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
Monday, January 27, 2003 -- Tequila
A ten-year-old girl asked a librarian how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila.""T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked. "Tequila Mockingbird," replied the little girl.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003 -- The Perfect Pet
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
Wednesday, January 29, 2003 -- The Cockroach
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6-foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6-foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
Thursday, January 30, 2003 -- Last Words
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears."What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary. "Well what would that be now, Mary?" "Well, my husband, Father...he passed away last night." "Oh, Mary," said the priest, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary. "What did he ask, Mary?" Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
Friday, January 31, 2003 -- Big Man in a Small Town
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. " This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone." (Thanks to John)
"Okay Lord I'm ready. Kill me now!"
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