JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, February 3, 2003 -- The Costume Party
A man and his wife were going to a costume party at a rural mansion. Just in sight of the mansion, the car broke down. They decided to walk.Since the shortest distance was across a pasture and they were going as a cow, they decided on the short cut. About halfway across the pasture, they ran into a bull who became very "interested." The husband, who was in the back, said, "What shall we do now?" The wife, who was in front, said, "I'm going to put my head down and make believe I'm eating grass. You had better brace yourself."
Tuesday, February 4, 2003 -- Vacationing Priests
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde - wearing a string bikini this time came walking toward them. Again she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?" "Father, it's me, Sister Helen." (Thanks to Louise)
Wednesday, February 5, 2003 -- Ten Again
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theatre to see Star Wars and more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size you idiot!"
Thursday, February 6, 2003 -- The Wedding Night
At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne - a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for "action." They "unite as one." All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for "action." Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more "conjugal bliss." When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old. ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another. But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" (Thanks to Peter)
Friday, February 7, 2003 -- Washing The Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"
Monday, February 10, 2003 -- Insurance
Billy Joe came visitin' up north, and decided he wanted to do something he could never do in the south... SNOW SKIING.Unfortunately, before he ever made it UP the hill so he could try and come DOWN the hill, he was knocked unconscious by the chairlift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but they said they were refusing to cover the injury. "WHAT?!" yelled Billy Joe into the phone. "And why wouldn't you cover an injury like this?" "You got hit in the head by a chairlift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot... and we consider that to be a pre-existing condition."
Tuesday, February 11, 2003 -- Three Stores
A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to let the shop on the left. The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A menswear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign. "Menswear," says the man.A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Menswear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the lefthand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man. Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."
Wednesday, February 12, 2003 -- The Day After The Night Before
A guy decides to take off work early and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 3 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Thursday, February 13, 2003 -- Proud Parents
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.""That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody." "So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her. "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
Friday, February 14, 2003 -- The Lion Tamer
The young man had asked for a job with the circus - any job just so he could travel with the circus. The owner of the circus, thinking he might be able to make an assistant lion tamer out of the young man, took him out to the practice cage.The head lion tamer, a beautiful young woman, was just starting her rehearsal. As she entered the cage, she removed her cape with a flourish and, standing in a revealing costume, motioned to one of the lions. Obediently, the lion crept toward the young woman, licked her feet, legs and thighs, then rolled over twice. "Well," said the owner to the young man, "think you could do that?" "I'm sure I could Sir," said the young man, "but you'll have to get that lion out of there."
Monday, February 17, 2003 -- An Old Man
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Tuesday, February 18, 2003 -- The Sailor
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter."My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. I'm already starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
Wednesday, February 19, 2003 -- The Toilet Brush
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Thursday, February 20, 2003 -- Instructions Not Included
A lady is looking to purchase a pet for companionship, and so goes to the local pet shop to purchase a cat or such. However, when she arrives, she is intrigued by the beautiful young parrot on a perch by the counter. "Will this parrot talk?" she asks the owner."Oh yes, this parrot comes from a long line of excellent talkers. In two weeks, he will be mimicking your speech like he's having a conversation with you." The lady excitedly purchases the bird in a large cage (for a handsome fee) and takes it home. Two weeks later, she comes into the store. "This bird you sold me hasn't said a word!" The owner looks puzzled. "I can't understand it, that is our best talker. He should talk when he swings. " "What? You didn't sell me a swing!" The owner happily sells her a swing for the bird's cage. But, two weeks later, she returns with the same complaint. "I really can't understand it, he should talk after exercising on the ladder," the owner says. Frustrated that he didn't tell her this before, she buys the ladder. Two weeks later, ...you know. The owner says, "something is wrong, because when he climbs on the stairs, and gets on his swing, and looks into the mirror, he definitely should be talking!" She buys the stinkin' mirror, and in 2 more weeks... In she walks with the cage, containing the swing, ladder, mirror... and one dead parrot with it's legs up in the air. "Here's your mute bird and all the junk you sold me - all I want is my money back!" The owner was dumbfounded. "Lady, this is the first parrot that has ever come back - didn't the parrot say any words at all??" "Well, now that you mention it, he did, say one thing," she said. "He said, 'Doesn't, that, shop, sell... Bird food?!?'"
Friday, February 21, 2003 -- Golfing
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.Ben searches diligently throughout the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Monday, February 24, 2003 -- The Confession
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody." (Thanks To Keith)
Tuesday, February 25, 2003 -- Punishment
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 -- Great territory!
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bully his way into a elderly woman's home in deep farm country."This machine is the best ever!" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge carpet. The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dirt completely, I'll lick it off myself." "Let me get you some ketchup," she says, turning toward the kitchen. "That's no problem, m'am, this beauty can suck up ketchup in a blink!" the salesman says proudly. "Oh, it's not to vacuum, it's to help you... We're not connected to electricity yet!"
Thursday, February 27, 2003 -- Marital Advice
Stan was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink, and he says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate love to her."In two weeks Stan was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How did it go?" Stan said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it."
Friday, February 28, 2003 -- Jokes On The Job
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously.Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly faded. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Can't you get the joke?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
Establishing a Beachhead
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