JOKE DU JOUR
Tuesday, April 1, 2003 -- The Parrot
One day, a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Wednesday, April 2, 2003 -- Bottomless Gambling
It's 8:00am at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Mamma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"
Thursday, April 3, 2003 -- The Good Wife
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."
Friday, April 4, 2003 -- The Jurist
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.The public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Monday, April 7, 2003 -- The Frog
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was informed, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"... "No," replied the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."
Tuesday, April 8, 2003 -- Miss Bea
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this, " pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!" (Thanks to Carol)
Wednesday, April 9, 2003 -- Saddam's Doubles
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam's doubles."Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is Saddam is still alive. The bad news is he lost an arm."
Thursday, April 10, 2003 -- The Signalman
A man was applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decided to give him a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"The man said, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answered the applicant. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenged the inspector. "Then," the man said, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." The inspector kept on: "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," the man argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" the inspector asked. "Oh well," said the applicant, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" And the man replied, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
Friday, April 11, 2003 -- Elephants Don't Forget
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle."What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "...Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
Monday, April 14, 2003 -- My Husband The Horse
A woman talks to a psychiatrist and says, "You've got to help me doctor, my husband thinks he's a racehorse! He neighs, sleeps on straw, and even eats grain!""No problem," says the doctor. "I can heal him, but it's gonna be costly!" "Oh, money isn't an issue," says the disgruntled wife. "He's already won two races!"
Tuesday, April 15, 2003 -- Reason for Marriage
A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions."Do you love her?" The old man replied, "I guess." "Is she a good Christian woman?" "I don't know for sure," the old man answered. "Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor. "I doubt it." "Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked. "She can drive at night," the old man said.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003 -- Unique Breakfast
A man saw a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted."What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?" the man said. "I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" The waitress couldn't care less, and asked, "What would you like then?" And the man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
Thursday, April 17, 2003 -- Cat
A famous art collector was walking through the city when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he did a double take. He knew that the saucer was extremely old and very valuable, so he walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for two dollars.The store owner replied "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector said, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner said "Sold," and handed over the cat. The collector continued, "Hey, for the 20 bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner said, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
Friday, April 18, 2003 -- The One Night Stand
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
Monday, April 21, 2003 -- Hearing Aid
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with an excellent hearing aid.He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Tuesday, April 22, 2003 -- New Boots
Sam and Bessie Goldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?""What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants. What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
Wednesday, April 23, 2003 -- Moses
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school one day."Well, momma, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved." "Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!"
Thursday, April 24, 2003 -- Second Chance
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Friday, April 25, 2003 -- Skilled Labour
Sven and Ole had worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week. When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: when I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled labourers and diesel fitters were skilled labourers. "What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter'". (Thanks to Lise)
Monday, April 28, 2003 -- The Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
Tuesday, April 29, 2003 -- Embezzlement
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Wednesday, April 30, 2003 -- Three Brothers
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?" The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honour." The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had always been ordering three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
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