JOKE DU JOUR
Thursday, May 1, 2003 -- No Return Please
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour (160 km/hr) Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" The officer let him go.
Friday, May 2, 2003 -- Raising Rabbits
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have... a hutch back of Notre Dame."
Monday, May 5, 2003 -- The Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone."I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Tuesday, May 6, 2003 -- Going To The Doctor
An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife says,"Where are you going?"He says, "I'm going to the doctor." "Are you sick?" she asks. "No" he says, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. Now he asks, "Where are you going?" "I'm going to the doctor too," is the response "Why?" he asks To which she replies, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot." (Thanks to Diane)
Wednesday, May 7, 2003 -- Black Eye
One Monday morning, this guy appeared at work with two black eyes. His co-worker asked how this happened."Well," the guy says, "I was standing behind this woman in line to purchase a ticket to go into the movie theatre when I noticed that her skirt was caught between her rear cheeks so I gently pulled the skirt out. At this point, the lady turned around and socked me right in the eye". "Yeah, but you have two black eyes," says the co-worker. To which the guy replies, "Well, when I realized that she was not very happy about what I did, I gently shoved the skirt back in and that is when she turned around again and socked me in the other eye". (Thanks to Yvonne)
Thursday, May 8, 2003 -- The Druggist
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo to show the druggist. The photo is of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife. He looks at the photo and says," Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!" (Thanks to Jada)
Friday, May 9, 2003 -- No More 'Gators
While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any ‘gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the ‘gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said. "The sharks got 'em."
Monday, May 12, 2003 -- School Yard Bragging
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Tuesday, May 13, 2003 -- What Daddy Does
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Michael. You go first."Michael stands up and says, "My name's Michael. My father's a doctor, d-o-c-t-o-r, and he helps sick people." The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Little Johnny." Little Johnny stands up and says, "My name's Little Johnny. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..." The teacher says, "Little Johnny, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Marty." Marty stands up and says, "My name's Marty. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds that Little Johnny ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
Wednesday, May 14, 2003 -- US Highway 22
The highway patrolman spotted a car driving dangerously slow on a much-travelled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers."Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit." "But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was doing the speed limit when you stopped me." The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?" The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw the sign, U.S. Highway 22." "But lady," warned the officer, "that is the highway number, not the speed limit" The lady was very apologetic and, of course, no ticket was given. The officer noticed that all the passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes. As he turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Ma'am, are you sure all your passengers are OK?" "Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off Highway 120."
Thursday, May 15, 2003 -- Vet Cure
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.. Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
Friday, May 16, 2003 -- Visits To A Brothel
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls $200 out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation. Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given $200. The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for $300. "Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me $200. The second night you gave $200. Now you want me to pay you $300? Why?" The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
Monday, May 19, 2003 -- Luke and Obi-Wan
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."
Tuesday, May 20, 2003 -- Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?""Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great." "Wow! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Wednesday, May 21, 2003 -- Bad Gas
One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. A week later the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!" The doctor replies, "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"
Thursday, May 22, 2003 -- Bigger and Bigger
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Friday, May 23, 2003 -- The RCMP
The phone rings at RCMP headquarters."Hello?" "Hello, is this RCMP?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the RCMP comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break apart every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the RCMP come by?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed." (Thanks to Lise)
Monday, May 26, 2003 -- The Operation
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 -- Sunburn
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and was in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs." (Thanks to Sheldon)
Wednesday, May 28, 2003 -- A Divine Appointment
A priest walking down the street notices a young boy on this tiptoes trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. Although he is trying very hard, the boy is not tall enough to reach the doorbell.After watching the boy's efforts for a moment, the priest walks across the street, up the steps to the porch, comes up behind the little fellow, and lifts him up a couple feet. The boy giggles as he gives the bell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" With a mischievous grin he replies, "Now we run!!!"
Thursday, May 29, 2003 -- The Letter
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband."Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk'."
Friday, May 30, 2003 -- Strong Words
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Clinton: The Early Years
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