JOKE DU JOUR
Tuesday, July 1, 2003 -- No Elevator
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together and they were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story hotel.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Wednesday, July 2, 2003 -- New Birth
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it.She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
Thursday, July 3, 2003 -- The Examination
A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
Monday, July 21, 2003 -- The Price Of Admission
A church minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you 'that information' for only 50 cents?"
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 -- The Farmers & The Pigs
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.Now, the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at dawn, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing." The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn." (Thanks to Sheldon)
Wednesday, July 23, 2003 -- Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.""Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Thursday, July 24, 2003 -- The Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me." (Thanks To Lloyd)
Friday, July 25, 2003 -- Pygmy Hunter
A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pygmy standing beside it.Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?" The pygmy said, "Yes." The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" "I killed it with my club," said the pygmy. The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
Monday, July 28, 2003 -- Two Guys In A Bar
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives."My wife is mad at me again," says the first. "Why?" "I was bombed at the bar across the street last night, and she came looking for me" replied the first. "What'd you do?" "I asked her for her phone number."
Tuesday, July 29, 2003 -- Rich Old Geezer Wants A Grandkid!
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion."Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 -- Doctor's Poker Game
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line."We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Thursday, July 31, 2003 -- Cymbal Player
During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written.When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied, "It was a case of cymbal disobedience."
Walking The Dog: A Great Workout!
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