jokes2 jpg
August, 2003

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - August 2003
Least Successful Summer 2003 Film Releases [60 votes total]

When Liza Met David (10) 17%
Planet Of The Monkey Pox (4) 7%
Joan Lunden: Womb Raider (9) 15%
Bad Boys III: The Canadian Wedding (7) 12%
To Sars With Love (16) 27%
Pirates Of The Iraqi Oil Fields (14) 23%

Friday, August 1, 2003 -- Lunch Break Chat

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break.

Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"

Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

Friday, August 15, 2003 -- Hospital Information

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302...

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302".

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me nothin.....

(Thanks to Keith)

Monday, August 18, 2003 -- Dog Tricks

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Tuesday, August 19, 2003 -- Tiny

A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barkeep looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny" replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the barkeep.

"Because he's my newt!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 -- The Police Dog

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25." Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad and yelled, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

Thursday, August 21, 2003 -- Scavenger Hunt

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady, we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"My goodness," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Friday, August 22, 2003 -- Drunk In The Graveyard

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to pee, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to relieve himself, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Monday, August 25, 2003 -- The Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 -- The Doctor's Report

A guy returns from a trip and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the heck is that?"

"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, Aids, Sars, and Herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do about it !!?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

(Thanks to Kingsley)

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 -- Pumping Classical Iron

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

Thursday, August 28, 2003 -- Newlywed Couple

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Friday, August 29, 2003 -- The Rabbi's Sermon

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon.

The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

Picture Of The Month

"See, I told you I could fit in that spot!"

CJAD logo CJAD logo

I welcome your jokes
If you have one to send
click below and email it