JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, September 1, 2003 -- A Time To Die
Two guys were sitting in a bar talking about their relatives."My grandfather," said the first guy, "knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." "Wow, that's incredible," his friend replied. "How did he know all of that?" And the first guy said, "A judge told him."
Tuesday, September 2, 2003 -- The Old Lady & The Frog
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company, so off to the pet shop she went.She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered , "I'm lonely too. Buy me and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured. what the heck, she hadn't found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me and you won't be sorry." So the old lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back and guess what the old lady turned into? COME ON GUESS?????? OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON!!!!! She turned into the first motel she could find. Hey, she's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!
Wednesday, September 3, 2003 -- The Fire
One night a fire started inside a large chemical plant. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault. I'll give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president offered $100,000, but the fire was just too bad. Just then another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the fire was extinguished. Joyous the company president walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. He asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
Thursday, September 4, 2003 -- The Baseball Cap
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about six feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
Friday, September 5, 2003 -- A Golfer's Deal With the Devil
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot." The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie. A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said. Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle." "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle. On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win." "OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round. As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!" (Thanks to Louise)
Monday, September 8, 2003 -- Addicted To Fishing
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.One Sunday, very early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual but, it was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes, and my idiot husband went fishing!"
Tuesday, September 9, 2003 -- Private Detective
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor café. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!" The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Wednesday, September 10, 2003 -- Order In The Court
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You darned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel, and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?!"
Thursday, September 11, 2003 -- The Card Player
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
Friday, September 12, 2003 -- The Graduate
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?" "I'm the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me." The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969."
Monday, September 15, 2003 -- Hospital Machine
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said."So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
Tuesday, September 16, 2003 -- Conversing With A Cat
A lonely, elderly widower loved his cat so dearly that he tried to teach it to talk."If I can get Tabby to talk with me," he reasoned, "I won't have to bother with ornery human beings at all!" First, the man tried feeding the cat a diet of canned salmon, then one of canaries. Tabby obviously loved both, but still wouldn't learn to talk. Then, one day years after he had begun the project, the man had two parrots cooked in butter and served to Tabby with asparagus and French fries. Tabby eagerly licked the plate clean. Then, wonder of wonders, the cat suddenly turned to her master and shouted, "Look out!" The startled widower just stared at the cat in shock. He didn't move a muscle. Suddenly, the ceiling caved in and buried the poor man, but Tabby survived by jumping out of the way. The cat shook her head in disgust and said, "Eight years he spends trying to get me to talk and then, when I do, the idiot doesn't listen."
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 -- Looking for Love
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:"HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs"! The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either"! Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you"! She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?" (Thanks to Rose)
Thursday, September 18, 2003 -- The Confession
An elderly man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors," said the elderly man. "You were both in great danger," replied the priest. "You would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven." "Thank you, Father," said the elderly man, relieved. "That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" inquired the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" said the man.
Friday, September 19, 2003 -- Using Verbs
Little Johnnie's teacher is giving an English lesson; she asks the children to name a verb and then use it in a sentence. Johnnie is the first to raise his hand, waving excitedly.Knowing that Johnnie has a rather dirty mind, the teacher is hesitant to call on him, but decides to give him a chance. "Alright, Johnnie, what is your word?" she asks. "Urinate," is Johnnie's reply. The teacher is regretting her decision now, but since 'urinate' is indeed a verb she forges ahead. "Thank you, Johnnie. Now can you use your verb in a sentence for me?" Johnnie stands up and says "Urinate, and you'd be a 9 if you had bigger boobs!"
Monday, September 22, 2003 -- The Sinking Ship
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Tuesday, September 23, 2003 -- Time
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong."What's that big gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend "Yup." replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For god sake, you jerk..it's ten past three in the morning!" (Thanks to Sheila)
Wednesday, September 24, 2003 -- Halt!
Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you Take one more step you will be killed!" The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!" An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light. Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine you have some questions for me." "You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"
Thursday, September 25, 2003 -- My Son The Scientist
The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab."What are you working on?" he asked. "A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll dissolve anything." The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"
Friday, September 26, 2003 -- Little Johnny
Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"
Monday, September 29, 2003 -- The Report Card
A father was examining his son's report card."One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. "With this report card, you couldn't possibly be cheating."
Tuesday, September 30, 2003 -- The Friendly Ghost
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible. The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank. Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
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