JOKE DU JOUR
Wednesday, October 1, 2003 -- Smart Dog
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter. The first woman says, "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
"I know," said the second woman.
"How?", asked the first woman.
Replied the second woman, "My dog told me."
Thursday, October 2, 2003 -- Horse Keeping
A man was going out of town and needed to board his horse for a couple of months. He asked a local farmer about it and was told, "Sure, but I charge $50 per week, and I keep the manure."
The fellow can't afford that, so the farmer referred him to ol' Jones, down the road. When approached with the request, Jones said, "Yup, I can do it for $40 a week, and I keep the manure."
This is still too much, and Jones suggested that he try Mr. Brown. When our desperate friend asked Mr. Brown, he is surprised to hear, "Sure, Sonny. I'll be glad to for $5 a month."
With delight, the young man exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that price you'll want to keep the manure."
The old man looked at him with kind of a squint, and replied, "Feller, for $5 a month, there ain't gonna be none!"
Friday, October 3, 2003 -- The Priest
A priest went home for dinner with a family of new converts. He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the meal.
The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to put the little girl at ease. "Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked, taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"
"Yes," responded the little girl, "it says, kills fleas for six months."
Monday, October 6, 2003 -- Will Power
A woman asks her husband, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"Of course not," he replied. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."
Tuesday, October 7, 2003 -- The Bar Contest
A man walks into a bar. He sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling and asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the bartender answers. "Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?" asks the bartender.
"The steaks are too high."(Thanks to Sol)
Wednesday, October 8, 2003 -- The Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."(Thanks to Jaspreet)
Thursday, October 9, 2003 -- A Dying Man's Favourite Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Friday, October 10, 2003 -- The Good Driver
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Monday, October 13, 2003 -- The New Bride
A new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
Tuesday, October 14, 2003 -- Aunt Carol
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
Wednesday, October 15, 2003 -- The Drunk
The husband was not home at his usual hour and the wife was fuming. Finally, about three o'clock in the morning she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He looked at her blankly. "Don't get excited," the husband said. "I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
And the drunk answered, "A round of drinks."
Thursday, October 16, 2003 -- The Job Interview
A young man entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers the executive noticed that the applicant had been fired from every job he had ever had.
"Young man," the executive said, "I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!"
"Yes," replied the applicant.
"There really isn't anything very positive in that," said the executive.
"Well, at least I'm not a quitter!" the young man replied.
Friday, October 17, 2003 -- The Drunk
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
Monday, October 20, 2003 -- Lawn Ornaments
A customer walks up to the counter of a lawn ornament shop. "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers."
To which the cashier replies, "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"
Tuesday, October 21, 2003 -- Graveside Service
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."
Wednesday, October 22, 2003 -- The General
The General went out into the barracks square to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least the G.I. was here so he let the him go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting, and he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Thursday, October 23, 2003 -- A Rush To The Doctor
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Friday, October 24, 2003 -- Nail Biter
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
Monday, October 27, 2003 -- Juggler
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Tuesday, October 28, 2003 -- The Phone Call
A young boy answers the phone.
A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"
The boy whispers, "Yes."
The man then asks if he can talk to him.
"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.
"Then is your mom there?"
"Yes" the boy whispers.
"Can I talk to her?"
"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.
"Is there anyone else there?"
"Yes" whispered the boy.
"Who?" the man asked.
"A policeman," came the whispered reply.
"Well, can I talk to him?"
"He's busy too," the boy whispered.
"Is there anyone else there then?"
"Yes" whispered the boy.
"Who then?" the man asked.
"A fireman," the boy whispered.
"Can I talk to him?"
"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."
Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.
"Looking for me." the boy whispered.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003 -- Thou shall not...
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew, occasionally walking around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl casually replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Thursday, October 30, 2003 -- Retreat
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional at church, he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber!"(Thanks To Lise)
Friday, October 31, 2003 -- Fixing the Headstone
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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