JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, November 3, 2003 -- Dangerous Dog
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old basset hound asleep on the floor besides the cash register.He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but chuckle. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Tuesday, November 4, 2003 -- A Gift For Mom
A successful businessman notices that he's forgotten his elderly mother's birthday as he is leaving town. He calls the neighbourhood exclusive gift store and speaks with the manager."How can I help you," she asks. "I have a very eccentric mother who needs nothing, but she is extremely lonely, and I would like to send her a gift for her birthday." "I have the perfect thing," says the manager. "It's an exotic bird that speaks three languages, recites poetry, and even knows how to pray." "Sounds perfect, How much?" he asks. "$3,500, but you must admit it's a small price to pay for such an exclusive gift." "For my mother, anything" Several days later the gentleman calls home and his mother answers. "So, how do you like your present mom?" "I've tasted better!" "What! That bird cost $3,500, it spoke three languages, recited poetry and even prayed." "So", the old lady asked, "Why didn't it say anything?"
Wednesday, November 5, 2003 -- The Restaurant
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Thursday, November 6, 2003 -- The Texan
Bob was very proud of his Texas heritage and lived there until he died. When he arrived in Heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour. Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Bob poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches.Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined. But Bob said he was sure that Dallas had more impressive parks. After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff and shouted, "You see that enormous lake of fire? Have you got anything like that in Texas?" "Well no," Bob replies sheepishly, "But I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out."
Friday, November 7, 2003 -- Caught for Speeding
A guy gets pulled over for doing 75 in 50 mph zone. The cop says, "Let me see your license and registration."The guy says, "I don't have either." "You sure your registration isn't in the glove compartment?", says the cop. "No, that's where I have the gun," was the response. "What gun?" asked the cop "The gun I killed my wife with", said the guy, "Her body is in the trunk." "Keep your hands on the wheel. I'm calling for backup," said the officer. Soon the sergeant arrives and says "Let me see your cards." "Sure," said the driver as he gives him his license and registration. "What's this about a gun in the glove compartment?", inquired the sergeant. As the guy opened his empty glove compartment he said "I have no gun." "What about your wife's body in the trunk?," asked the sergeant. "My wife's at home," said the guy. "Did this policeman tell you all this stuff? Next thing you know, he'll be telling you I was speeding." (Thanks to Umed)
Monday, November 10, 2003 -- Cab
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?""Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
Tuesday, November 11, 2003 -- Bye Mom
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him."Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, feeling the warmth of having done a good deed, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. (Thanks to John)
Wednesday, November 12, 2003 -- Window Shopping
When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area. While window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer.The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing. The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost a half hour examining the different makes of china and silver. It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic, downtown restaurant.
Thursday, November 13, 2003 -- Bugging Out
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
Friday, November 14, 2003 -- Modern Science
There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet. He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book. Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet. Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
Monday, November 17, 2003 -- The Waitress
A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"
Wednesday, November 19, 2003 -- Milk Baths
There was a woman who admired her best friend's lovely, satiny skin and inquired about it."Well," said the friend, "I take milk baths. You have to go to Farmer Brown and get the quantity you need." So the woman visits Farmer Brown and tells him she needs a lot of milk for her milk bath. "Do you want it pasteurised," says Farmer Brown. "No," replied the woman, "just past my boobs!" (Thanks to Pauline)
Thursday, November 20, 2003 -- Beer
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." (Thanks to Christopher)
Friday, November 21, 2003 -- Deep Trouble
A man travelling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence."Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
Monday, November 24, 2003 -- Computer Dating
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered his qualifications.He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003 -- Trouble at the Boating Lake
At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return."Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 -- Three Drunks Fishing
Three guys are in a fishing boat drinking heavily while they attempt to fish. One of the guys gets so drunk that he leans over the edge of the boat and falls into the water and starts to sink.The other guys are so drunk and neither of them can swim, they have to grope around in the water with their hands. Finally they bring the man up and pull him into the boat. One of the drunken fishermen starts to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. While performing this act, he looks at the other guy and says, "boy I must be getting drunk. I don't remember his breathe stinking so badly, do you?" The other guy looks at his friend and replies, "hell, I'm so drunk I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit."
Thursday, November 27, 2003 -- Gorilla in Tree
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service and finds one and makes the call."Is it a male or female gorilla?" the service guy asks. "It's a male," the man replies. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you shoot the Chihuahua."
Friday, November 28, 2003 -- Senior Ailments
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one."Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence... "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
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