JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, December 1, 2003 -- The Snowstorm
A fellow got lost in his car in a snow storm. He remembered what his dad had once told him. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he started to follow it. He followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked him what He was doing. He explained that his dad had told him if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to Zeller's." (Thanks to Lise)
Tuesday, December 2, 2003 -- A Boy's Christmas Prayer
Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf." The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 -- Blah Blah Blah
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
Thursday, December 4, 2003 -- Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble?" asked the business man. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What are you kiddin' and catch a disease for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex". (Thanks to Peter)
Friday, December 5, 2003 -- The Tab
It is forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. A guy is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab.""Sorry," says the guy, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." "But," says the guy, "I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
Monday, December 8, 2003 -- Pickles
What did the cashier say to the customer who complained about the outrageous price of a bottle of pickles?"It isn't the pickles, it is the juice. Dill waters run steep." (Thanks to Jada)
Legalese Night Before Christmas
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap). Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the Revenue Canada Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Tuesday, December 9, 2003 -- Piano Tuner
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch."Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbours did."
Wednesday, December 10, 2003 -- The Pearly Gates At Christmas
Three guys had been at a Christmas party and were in a car wreck on the way home. All three were tragically killed instantly.At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was in a festive mood. He said to the men, "Instead of the usual questions to get admitted to heaven, all you have to do is show me something that has to do with Christmas and you will be admitted." The first man dug in his jacket pockets and produced a sprig of mistletoe. St. Peter said that was good enough and admitted him through the gates. The second man dug through all his pockets and came up with a candy cane, which gained him admittance. The third man dug and dug and thought and thought and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter said, "I am sorry, but what do these have to do with Christmas?" "Well", said the third man, "They're Carol's!"
Thursday, December 11, 2003 -- The Date
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.Suddenly, the girl stopped the boy, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," said the sultry young blonde. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Friday, December 12, 2003 -- Big In Texas
One day, a young man flew to Houston to see his family. When his brother picked him up from the airport, the man exclaimed, "Brother, that is the biggest airplane I have ever seen in my life!"His brother looked at him and said, "Everything's big in Texas." As they were leaving the airport, they got into a taxi and the man said, "Brother, this is the biggest taxi I've ever seen in my life!" His brother said again, "Everything's big in Texas." The taxi took them to the hotel. The man said in amazement, "Brother, this is the biggest hotel I've ever seen in my life!" As usual his brother said, "Everything's big in Texas " Well, through all the excitement our young man needed to use the rest room. He asked the service desk clerk where could he find a rest room. She told him, "You go down the hall make two lefts, and then make a right." Somehow he got his directions mixed up. He went down the hall and made two rights and a left. He opened the door thinking it was the rest room and fell into a gigantic swimming pool. Panicking, the young man yelled, "Don't Flush!"
Monday, December 15, 2003 -- The Bikini
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"
Tuesday, December 16, 2003 -- The Train
A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert, decides to visit a friend in the city. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle--Whooee da Whooee!--but doesn't know what it is.Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good teakettle?" The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Wednesday, December 17, 2003 -- The Watermelons
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads, "WARNING: ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
Thursday, December 18, 2003 -- Holiday Sauce
A guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?""Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!" "That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" the man asked. "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Friday, December 19, 2003 -- The Carpet Layer
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump."No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."
Monday, December 22, 2003 -- Mother's Little Helper
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing."Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
Tuesday, December 23, 2003 -- Something For Mom
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?" "Something for my mother," said the young lady. "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? " Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 -- Medical School
As part of the standard curriculum in a pre-med college, the students had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Part way through the class, a student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?""To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
Tchaikovsky's Swine Lake
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