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January, 2004

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - January 2004
Why 2004 Will Be Different Than 2003 [117 votes total]

Saddam Hussein won't be getting a Father's Day card (24) 21%
More billable hours for Liza Minnelli's lawyers (7) 6%
Toronto won't run out of surgical masks unless Michael Jackson visits (60) 51%
Arnold Schwarzennegger is in a lower tax bracket (12) 10%
American Idol's Justin Guarini will only be mentioned here (14) 12%

Monday, January 5, 2004 -- Church Donation

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear:

"Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

Tuesday, January 6, 2004 -- The Lawyer & The Old Lady

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit ambulance chaser. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2004 -- At The Pearly Gates

Three preachers and their wives showed up at the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted the first and informed him he would not be allowed to come in.

"Why not?" asked the preacher.

"Well," St Peter said, "It says here in the book that you had a lust for money--matter of fact your lust was so great you refused to get married until you met a woman named Penny."

St Peter turned to the second preacher and told him that he would not be allowed to enter either, because of his lust for liquor. "Says here that your lust was so great you refused to get married until you met a woman named Brandy."

At that point the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Come on, Fanny, we might as well leave."

Thursday, January 8, 2004 -- Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?".

"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."

Friday, January 9, 2004 -- The Sales Rep

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

Monday, January 12, 2004 -- My Husband The Refrigerator

A man comes to believe that he is a refrigerator. After worrying about his condition for weeks, his wife finally persuades him to go to a psychiatrist with her.

The psychiatrist examines the man carefully, and afterward tries to assure the wife that she has nothing to be concerned about.

The woman is a bit perturbed.

"But doctor," she says, "at night when he sleeps with his mouth open, the light keeps me awake!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2004 -- Drowning

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 -- Lesson In Class

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

Thursday, January 15, 2004 -- The Cashier

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express lane where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Ummmm, Not bad."

Friday, January 16, 2004 -- The Argument

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

(Thanks to Esther)

Monday, January 19, 2004 -- Osama

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted," You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.

Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

(Thanks to Evan)

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 -- Lost Gas Cap

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one's even better because it locks ..."

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 -- The Genie

A guy was walking along the beach one day and came across a lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.

The genie told him he would grant him three wishes.

"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."

POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.

"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."

POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.

"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

(Thanks To Phil)

Thursday, January 22, 2004 -- Deer Hunting

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Friday, January 23, 2004 -- Snow White's Photos

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

Monday, January 26, 2004 -- Big Jerks

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 -- The Interview Test

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 -- The Hunter's Wife

A wife kept complaining to her husband they never did anything together. That she was a hunting widow and wanted to learn how to hunt. So, the husband bought her a gun, license, took her to the NRA hunting safety course, etc.

First day of deer season he sends her west while he goes east. After 5 minutes he hears what sounds like a small arms firefight about where his wife went. He stops hunting and goes to see what is going on.

He finds his wife pointing her rifle at a cowboy who is standing up against a tree with his hands up. The cowboy is saying, "All right, Lady, all right. The deer is yours. Just let me get my saddle off of it."

Thursday, January 29, 2004 -- Two Bulls

One day there were two bulls talking to each other in the pasture. The Young bull looks at the older bulls and asks, " Did you here the farmer is getting another bull?"

This upsets the older bull. " Before you got here, I had 120 cows to keep me happy. Then I had to give you 50. Well I am not giving up any more of my cows!"

The younger one thinks a minute. " Well I only have 50 and he wants me to give some up. Forget it."

Just then the farmer pulls up and unloads the biggest, meanest and ugliest bull ever created. The older bull says," Well at my age I only need a few cows, so I guess he can have as many as he wants."

The younger one starts stomping and snorting and puffing out his chest. The old bull looks at him in amazement. "

Are you nuts? A few cows aren't worth your life."

"Cows hell," the younger one shouts. "He can have all my cows he wants. I just want to make sure he knows I'm not one of them."

Friday, January 30, 2004 -- Getting Whacked In A Bar

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.

This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

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