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February, 2004

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - February 2004
If you controlled the Mars Rover you'd look for.... [216 votes total]

Osama Bin Laden (30) 14%
Locations for the next Survivor (42) 19%
The cast of Capricorn One (14) 6%
A safe place to store the master copies of Gigli and Glitter (29) 13%
Weapons of mass destruction (101) 47%

Monday, February 2, 2004 -- The Tenant

A man mentioned to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly, "Many a night they stomp on the floor and shout till midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, because I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night, anyway."

Tuesday, February 3, 2004 -- Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.


"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical healthcare plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.


"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical healthcare plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

(Thanks to Keith)

Wednesday, February 4, 2004 -- Two Beers

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me two beers." The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers." So the bartender gives him two more beers.

The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers. He looks into his wallet again and asks for two more beers.

The bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

The man opens his wallet again and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

(Thanks to John Eric)

Thursday, February 5, 2004 -- Here Comes The Judge

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Sam, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Sam replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his Honor?" he asked.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Sam.

"Well," the squad driver mused, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"There sure is," replied Irish Sam. "It's wise never to book a judge by his cover."

(Thanks to Keith)

Friday, February 6, 2004 -- Sleeping On A Train

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married"

"Why not", giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Monday, February 9, 2004 -- Everybody Wants Their Pound of Flesh!

A lawyer defending a man convicted of burglary tried this creative appeal: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The gavel hit the bench with a thud.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the table, and walked out.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004 -- Farmer Brown & The Rooster

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damnit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 -- The Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

Thursday, February 12, 2004 -- The Farmer

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Friday, February 13, 2004 -- The Brown Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The barman said, "Hey pardner, your hat's made of brown wrapping paper."

"Yep," said the cowboy, "and so's my shirt, my vest, my chaps, my pants, and even my boots and spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on my horse is made of brown paper. Guess that's why folks call me The Brown Paper Cowboy."

A few weeks later, another cowboy comes in the bar, the barman says, "We had The Brown Paper Cowboy in here a few weeks back - ever hear of him?"

"Yep," says the second cowboy, "I hear he was hanged down in Texas the other week."

"What for?" said the barman.

"Why for rustling, of course."

Monday, February 16, 2004 -- The Driving Priest

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good heaven's! He's done it again!"

(Thanks to Keith)

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 -- The Baseball Oldtimers

Two old former baseball pros were sitting on the front porch talking one day. They both were in their 80's, and both had successful careers in the Major Leagues back in their day.

They were wondering about whether or not there was baseball in heaven, so they made a pact that whoever died first would come back from the spirit world and tell the other if indeed there was baseball in heaven.

Sure enough one of the old men passed away the very next morning. That night, as promised, his spirit returned to the home of his friend. Surprised and excited, his friend asked, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

The spirit answered, "Well I've got good news and bad news. The good news is there IS baseball in heaven, and it's like nothing you've ever seen before. The weather is always sunny and perfect, the fields are beautiful and green, the umps never make a bad call, and all the old greats are there"

"That's great!", said the other guy, "but what's the bad news?"

The spirit replied, "The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow!"

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 -- Calling In Sick

A man calls in to work and tells his boss, "I can't come in today, I'm really sick. I've got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt. I've gotta stay home."

The boss says, "You know, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and make love to her. That makes everything better and I can go to work. Try it!"

Two hours later the man calls his boss again: "I did what you said and I feel great. I'll be at work soon. And let me say, you've got such a nice house!"

(Thanks to Douglas)

Thursday, February 19, 2004 -- Ode to Regis

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?

She said, "Yes."

He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Friday, February 20, 2004 -- This Could Cause New Visions

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"

The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!"

The people clapped and were saying "Amen."

And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"

As he sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

Monday, February 23, 2004 -- The Jogger

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day while her boyfriend was over, to her horror she heard her husband's car pull up in the driveway.

" Oh my gosh - Hurray! grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

" I can't jump out the window - it's raining out there!"

"My husband is a big man and he has a gun, he'll shoot both of us."

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he runs down the street in the rain, he quickly discovers that he has run right into the middle of the town's marathon. So he starts running along side of the other runners, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arms, he tries to blend in as best he can. After a little while a group of the runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged a little closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes," he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another one of the runners moved alongside. " Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run, get into my car and drive home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "DO you always wear a condom when you run?"

" Nope...just when it's raining!"

(Thanks to Patricia)

Tuesday, February 24, 2004 -- Nothing But Trouble

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 -- Senior Love

An elderly couple has been dating for some time when they finally decide it's time for marriage. Before the wedding, they go to dinner at a beautiful restaurant and have a long conversation about their blissful future. They discuss finances, living arrangements, the grown kids, and so on. Finally the old guy decides it's time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I'd like it infrequently."

The old guy sits quietly for a moment. Then he peers over his glasses, looks her in the eye and asks, "Infrequently, was that one or two words?"

(Thanks to Rebecca)

Thursday, February 26, 2004 -- The Contractors

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

Friday, February 27, 2004 -- The Affair

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!?!" she screeches.

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"

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