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March, 2004

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - March 2004
Things You'd Hate To Lose In A Montreal Pothole [192 votes total]

Consciousness (85) 44%
The official rules of city demergers (13) 7%
Mel Gibson (8) 4%
Conan O’Brien's writers (8) 4%
The last Montreal Expos fan (25) 13%
Your virginity (53) 28%

Monday, March 1, 2004 -- Lent

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighbourhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbours were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighbourhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighbourhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

(Thanks to Jada)

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 -- Trip To The Doctor

A man visits doctor with apple stuck in mouth, celery stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

(Thanks to Jaspreet)

Wednesday, March 3, 2004 -- The Essay

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

(Thanks to Lise)

Thursday, March 4, 2004 -- The Supermarket

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" asked the woman.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Friday, March 5, 2004 -- Customs

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, a man was alarmed when the female official decided to open them up and check.

In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

"Nothing to declare but clothing, eh?"

"Right," the man extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."

(Thanks to Doug)

Monday, March 8, 2004 -- Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked By Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. .

1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

(Thanks to Rose)

Tuesday, March 9, 2004 -- The Scientist Convention

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 -- The Spurs

The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."

Thursday, March 11, 2004 -- Gates Of Heaven

Three friends die and find themselves at the Gates of Heaven facing St. Peter. Before he lets them in, however, St. Peter asks each one the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man," the first man responds.

"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of his students," says the second man.

Says the third, "I would like to hear them say 'Look! He's moving!'"

(Thanks to Keith)

Friday, March 12, 2004 -- Double Murder

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."

"No way. You're on," said the new deputy.

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

Monday, March 15, 2004 -- The Judge's Coffee

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Tuesday, March 16, 2004 -- Military Computer

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 -- How High Can You Go?

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!"

Thursday, March 18, 2004 -- A Night At The Theatre

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theatre for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theatre, far from the stage.

The man calls an usher over and whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.''

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets.

With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theatre, he whispers, '' Follow me.'' The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

''Thanks so much,'' says the theatre-goer, '' This seat is perfect.'' He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, '' The butler did it in the parlour with the candlestick.''

(Thanks to Keith)

Friday, March 19, 2004 -- Dictionary

A man was searching the dictionary for the word "dictionary" he found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing which you are holding, stupid!

So he searched for the Word "stupid" he found : is that you again?

Monday, March 22, 2004 -- Two Robbers

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell. The first one asks, "What are you in for?"

"I'm here for something I didn't do," replied the other.

"So you're innocent? What didn't you do?"

"I didn't run fast enough."

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 -- Reap What You Sow

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbour.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 -- A Visit To The Doctor

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him!

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Thursday, March 25, 2004 -- The Piano

A man is softly playing the piano one night in a downtown bar.

In walks an elephant, sits down by the piano and while listening begins to cry.

"There, there", says the pianist, "do you recognize the song?"

"Oh no", said the elephant, "I recognize the piano keys".

(Thanks to Doug)

Friday, March 26, 2004 -- Divy It Up

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

Monday, March 29, 2004 -- The Army Physical

In the middle of World War II, a draftee goes in for his physical wearing a truss, and with a little convincing acting, gets his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.

Not long after, a friend gets his orders to report for a physical, and he borrows the other fellow's truss. At the end of the examination, the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.

"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked.

"No," the examining doctor says. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside-down can certainly ride a camel."

Tuesday, March 30, 2004 -- The Inheritance

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, a man decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with the man, and the next day she became his stepmother.

(Thanks to Peter)

Wednesday, March 31, 2004 -- The Confession

The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence.

"Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?"

"Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I hereby resolve to double my efforts."

"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.

"Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and confess every week."

"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest.

"Now just a minute, Father," said the man. "Now you're talking business and not religion."

Picture Of The Month

Penguin With A Death Wish

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