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April, 2004

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - April 2004
Signs The Relationship Is Over [172 votes total]
Anniversary present: Skydiving lessons (11) 6%
Trip wires on the staircase (18) 10%
The muffled voice of your mate in the trunk (9) 5%
Every home cooked meal smells like almonds (52) 30%
All hardware purchases include duct tape and shovels (28) 16%
Seeing absolutely no humour in a list like this (54) 31%

Thursday, April 1, 2004 -- Puppy Love

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess?

"Yes, I'm fine." said the man.

Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.

"Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess, "Is he not house broken?"

"No, that's not the problem," said the man. "The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

Friday, April 2, 2004 -- The Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. She talked and talked and talked. You want my advice?"

The man said yes.

The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

(Thanks to Kelly)

Monday, April 5, 2004 -- The Two Cats

There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was English, called One-two-three.

The other was French and called Un-deux-trois.

One day when they were running they came to a huge river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as far as they could.

Which cat drowned?

One-two-three cat was fine

Un-deux-trois cat sank!

Tuesday, April 6, 2004 -- The Monkey & The Hats

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back. The weather was very hot and he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he was awakened by some sounds. The next thing he realised was that all his hats were gone. Then he heard some monkeys on top of the tree and he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys. They have taken all his hats!

The hat-seller sits down and try to think of how he can get the hats down. He started to think and scratched his head. The next moment, he realised that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and fanned himself. The monkeys did exactly the same!

An idea strike him - he took his hat and threw it on the floor. And the monkeys did the same too. Alas, he managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat- seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. Feeling very hot, he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

Again, when he woke up, he realised that all his hats were gone. He looked up and found that the monkeys had taken all his hats. Remembering what his grandfather had told him, he started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.

Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor... but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats! Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather!!"

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 -- Death Row

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you."

The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution."

"Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?"

"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"

Thursday, April 8, 2004 -- You're Fired!

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Friday, April 9, 2004 -- The Monk

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father?

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is ‘celebrate'."

(Thanks to Tom)

Monday, April 12, 2004 -- Longevity

A 75-year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm a golfer," says the guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is surprised. "Wow, you're 75 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 92 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, doctor asks, "You mean you're 75 years old and your grandfather's still living! Just how old is he anyway?"

"He's 108 years old," says the golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married!! Why in the hell would a 108 year-old guy want to get married?"

To which the golfer replied, "Who said he wanted to?"

(Thanks to Gaston)

Tuesday, April 13, 2004 -- Heavenly Transportation

Three guys died and when they got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and St. Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, seven times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from St. Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 -- I'm Dead

A husband and wife, both getting on in years, are in bed one morning.

He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."

He says, "Why not?"

She answers, " Because I'm dead."

Husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning, and nothing hurts."

Thursday, April 15, 2004 -- Child Birth

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"The stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?"

"Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother.

The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Friday, April 16, 2004 -- Jerk On The Road

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.

The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"

"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"

With a smile on his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side of the road and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signalling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time. He rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the heck do you wanna have?"

"Driver's license and registration, please."

Monday, April 19, 2004 -- Cannibals

Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One cannibal turned to the other cannibal and said...

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Tuesday, April 20, 2004 -- Geraniums

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,

"We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Wednesday, April 21, 2004 -- The Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in a closet and after awhile they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!", said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN "SWEPT" TOGETHER!!"

Thursday, April 22, 2004 -- Hockey In Heaven

Mario Lemieux, Steve Yzerman and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have devoted my life to bringing such joy to people who watch us and support their team."

God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.

He then turns to Steve Yzerman, "And you, Steve, what do you believe?"

Stevie Y stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Yzerman the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe," says Gretzky, "you're sitting in my seat."

(Thanks to Joan)

Friday, April 23, 2004 -- The Traffic Stop

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

(Thanks to Kelly)

Monday, April 26, 2004 -- Peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."

(Thanks to Keith)

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 -- Fish

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

(Thanks to Ira)

Wednesday, April 28 2004 -- Note To Mom

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so that you will get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer ... I love you!

(Thanks to Peter)

Thursday, April 29 2004 -- Two Priests

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"Our computer's down," said Saint Peter. "You'll have to go back for a week, but you can't go back as priests. What"ll it be?"

The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," said Saint Peter, and off flew the firsts priest.

The second priest thought for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count?"

"No," said Saint Peter.

"Well, the priest said, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," said Saint Peter.

A week later, the computer was fixed and the Lord told Saint Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asked.

"The first one should be easy," said Saint Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire somewhere in northern Ontario, "said Saint Peter.

(Thanks to Jada)

Friday, April 30 2004 -- Saying Grace

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the heck did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

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