JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, May 3, 2004 -- Astrology
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Tell me when you will die!" The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
Wednesday, May 5, 2004 -- A Man, His Wife And The Cop
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
Thursday, May 6, 2004 -- The Bible Belt Preacher
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologise now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers." A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Friday, May 7, 2004 -- The Bucket
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?" "Yes", the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
Monday, May 10, 2004 -- Doctor's Appointment
A man walks into a doctor's office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note says " I can't talk. Help me."The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your finger on the table here." The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits the man's finger as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony " AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...." The doctor says, " Good. Come again tomorrow and we'll learn ‘B'." (Thanks to Peter)
Tuesday, May 11, 2004 -- Dinner
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper.""What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Wednesday, May 12, 2004 -- Poor Widow
A woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? Wow, how big was it?" Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
Thursday, May 13, 2004 -- Hell Hath No Fury ...
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ...including the curtain rods. (Thanks to Esther)
Friday, May 14, 2004 -- Smart Dog
Three men are in a coffee shop bragging about their dogs. Each claims to have the world's smartest dog. The first man says, "MY dog is so smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me the Herald. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read. He comes back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog."The second man says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give MY dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me a pack of Double Mint Gum. He knows it's the only brand I'll chew. He comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog." The third man says "That's nothing. You know the corner shop where your dogs buy that stuff? Well, MY dog runs the place!"
Monday, May 17, 2004 -- The Old Man, The Boy & The Donkey
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places.Later, they passed some more people that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye. (Thanks to Peter)
Tuesday, May 18, 2004 -- Fire Call
"Help! Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!""This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!" (Thanks to Ruth)
Wednesday, May 19, 2004 -- The Doctor's Office
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle . . . he gave me a longer cane."
Thursday, May 20, 2004 -- The Pope & The Lawyer
The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer." (Thanks to Jaspreet)
Friday, May 21, 2004 -- Be Careful Who is Watching
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"
Monday, May 24, 2004 -- The Priest and the Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" The rabbi replies "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Father answers, "Yes, it is." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" (Thanks to Louise)
Tuesday, May 25, 2004 -- Speed Trap
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. He walks up to the car a says, "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"The sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit," said the cop. "That's the name of the highway you're on!" "Oh! Silly me!" said the nun. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. "Excuse me, Sister," said the cop. "What's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." The nun took a look at the other sisters and said, "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Wednesday, May 26, 2004 -- How Did You Get To Heaven?
Three men appear before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but Heaven is very full right now and we're only taking people who died tragic deaths."The first man says, "I died a very tragic death. I found out my wife was cheating on me and I decided to catch her at it. So, I left work early and came home. I could hear them in there as I unlocked the door, but by the time I got in, the guy wasn't there. In a rage, I was searching all over the apartment when I saw a pair of hands holding on to the window sill. So, I started beating at his hands but he wouldn't let go. Finally, I picked up a hammer and hit him on the knuckles until he let go and fell 5 stories. But, he landed in a huge bush and he was starting to get up. I couldn't believe it! I ran into the kitchen. With the rage searing through me I found the strength to pick up the refrigerator and throw it out the window. In the process, though, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says, "You're right, that is very tragic. Go on in." The second man says, "My story is even worse. I was working out on the balcony of my apartment when I lost my balance and fell over the edge. Luckily, I caught a window sill and I was hanging on for dear life when a crazy man came over and starting hitting my hands with his fists and a hammer. I fell, but luckily, I landed in a huge bush and it broke my fall. I was just starting to get up when I looked up and saw a refrigerator coming down at me. And that's the last thing I remember." St. Peter shakes his head and says, "Yes, that's very sad. Go on in." The third man says, "That's nothing compared to how I died. See, I was hiding in this refrigerator......"
Thursday, May 27, 2004 -- Recuperation
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well quick, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Friday, May 28, 2004 -- The Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Monday, May 31, 2004 -- The Driving Couple
A couple was so in love that when they rode together in the car, the wife sat so close to her husband that it looked like there was a two-headed driver in the seat.Years later, she was sitting close to the door on the other side. A young couple passed them sitting snuggled up to each other. She looked over longingly at her husband and said with a sigh, "Remember the days when we used to sit so close to each other? I wonder what happened?" The husband looked over at her and quietly said, "Well, Honey, I haven't moved."
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