JOKE DU JOUR
Tuesday, June 1, 2004 -- Saved By The Lord
A man was standing on the roof of his house, flood waters totally covering his house and lapping at his ankles. He prayed, "Lord, I trust you and know that you will save me."A couple in a canoe came by and asked if he needed help. "No," said the man, "the Lord will save me." Later, the water now risen up to his waste, the man kept praying, "Lord, I know that you will save me from this." A couple of fishermen in a rowboat came by then and offered to take him to safety. "No thanks," said the man, "I know that God will save me from this." Not long after that the water rose to throat level. The man kept praying to God, "Lord, I know in my heart that you will save me from this." A National Guard helicopter came by, hovered overhead, and lowered a rope for him to hold onto. He refused saying, "I know God will save me from this flood. Thanks anyway." Well, the water rose even further and he drowned. When he got to heaven he looked up at God and asked, "Lord, I prayed to you and trusted in you so much. Why didn't you save me from that awful flood?" "What?" the Lord asked, "I sent you a canoe, a rowboat, and the National Guard in a helicopter but you wouldn't take any of them!"
Wednesday, June 2, 2004 -- How Old Am I?
A college professor asked his class a question."If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor you're 44." The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts."
Thursday, June 3, 2004 -- The Dress Code
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
Friday, June 4, 2004 -- The Speed Trap
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
Monday, June 7, 2004 -- Hell Hath No Fury...
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his "manhood" in a vice.She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, ...... "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to". (Thanks to Sheldon)
Tuesday, June 8, 2004 -- Smelling The Food
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Wednesday, June 9, 2004 -- The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me, Mister, I told her!"
Thursday, June 10, 2004 -- The Confessional
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The priest is quiet for a while, allowing the guy some time to collect his thoughts.Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' pal, there aint no paper in this one either!"
Friday, June 11, 2004 -- Lock Jaw
In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's animal vet.One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Monday, June 14, 2004 -- Frying An Egg
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling."CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!" The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like when you sit next to me while I'm driving."
Tuesday, June 15, 2004 -- Holy Golf
Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green. The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly off. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup. Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "Look Dad, if you're going to play, play fair."
Wednesday, June 16, 2004 -- The Loud Doctor
A nurse walks into a hospital ward, closely followed by a doctor, who shouts:"Influenza! Polio! Diphtheria! Chicken Pox!" "What's with him?", a patient asked. "Oh, around here," said the nurse, "he likes to call the shots." (Thanks to Bob)
Thursday, June 17, 2004 -- Nuns in the Country
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"
Friday, June 18, 2004 -- Engine Trouble
A guy, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
Monday, June 21, 2004 -- Southern Obit
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Kentucky goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'" Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1938 Pickup for sale.'" (Thanks to Richard)
Tuesday, June 22, 2004 -- Combination Faith
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
Wednesday, June 23, 2004 -- One Liners
What do John The Baptist and Kermit The Frog have in common?Same middle name.
Thursday, June 24, 2004 -- Watermelon
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction."Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
Friday, June 25, 2004 -- Career Choice
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?""Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays and Thursdays!"
Tuesday, June 29, 2004 -- Staring at Dinner
A couple hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
Wednesday, June 30, 2004 -- Smoking
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
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