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July, 2004

HOLDER OVERNIGHT - Humour Poll - July 2004
Deepest Question To Ponder In Song [127 votes total]

Who wrote the Book of Love? (10) 8%
How many rocks does Jenny have? (5) 4%
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? (25) 20%
Why did the horse have no name? (30) 24%
Why would you put chewing gum on a bedpost? (19) 15%
Why did someone leave the cake out in the rain? (38) 30%

Thursday, July 1, 2004 -- The Old Couple & The Cop

One day an old man and his wife (who didn't hear very well) were going down the interstate and a police officer pulled them over.

The officer walks up to the car and says, "Sir, I need to see your license."

"What did he say," yelled the old lady.

"He wants to see my license" the old man answered.

The police officer looked at the license and said, "Oh I see you're from Virginia."

"What did he say," yelled the old lady.

"He said he sees we are from Virginia", answered the old man.

"The worst sex I ever had was with a woman from Virginia," said the cop.

"What did he say," yelled the old lady.

"He said he knew you" answered the old man.

Friday, July 2, 2004 -- Good News - Bad News

Rodney sat in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.

"Give me the bad news first," said Rodney.

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," said the lawyer.

"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

Monday, July 5, 2004 -- The Duck

A duck walked into the pharmacy and asked the druggist for some condoms. The druggist looked at him, then went and got the condoms, put them in a bag, and asked, "Do you want these on your bill?"

The duck answered, "What kind of a duck do you think I am?"

Tuesday, July 6, 2004 -- The Medical Exam

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Wednesday, July 7, 2004 -- The Break In

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

'It ain't so bad,' one crook noted. 'We got $25,000 between us.'

The boss screamed: 'I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100,000 when we broke in!'

Thursday, July 8, 2004 -- The Theft

John got back to the office after a three week business trip. Needless to say, Ed his co-worker wanted to know how the trip went.

"Well," said John, "Right off the bat I got pickpocketed somewhere between the airport and my hotel."

"That's a bummer way to start a business trip," replied Ed.

"Yeah, but it wasn't so bad," said John. "I had my money in a money clip so the only thing they got were my credit cards."

"Well, I'm sure you cancelled your credit cards right away," cautioned Ed.

Replied John, "Well, actually no. The thief is actually spending much less than my wife."

Friday, July 9, 2004 -- Question Of The Day

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

A: A widow.

Monday, July 26, 2004 -- Seconds First

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive," she said. "$500 for the first visit, and $100 for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 -- Little Old Man

A little old man shuffled... slooooowly into an ice cream parlour, and pulled himself... slooooooowly... painfully... up onto a stool at the counter.

After catching his breath... he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, as she prepared the man's banana split, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," the man replied, "Arthritis."

(Thanks to Douglas)

Wednesday, July 28, 2004 -- The Well-Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

To which her friend replied: "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Thanks to Phyllis)

Friday, July 30, 2004 -- Old Farmer & His Mule

An old farmer had a horrible mother-in-law who nagged him mercilessly. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his mother-in-law brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his mother-in-law began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice she looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

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