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August, 2004

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - August 2004
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery [148 votes total]

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! (19) 13%
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. (43) 29%
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys - and this guy has two of them. (13) 9%
That's cool! Now make his leg twitch?! (38) 26%
I can't believe I was sick that day in medical school. (15) 10%
Does anybody else smell burnt toast? (20) 14%

Monday, August 2, 2004 -- The Lady & The Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.

"Hey, lady!" it said.


"You know."

(Thanks to Keith)

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 -- The Bus Stop

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

(Thanks to Bob)

Wednesday, August 4, 2004 -- Indian Chief

A reporter hears about an old Indian chief with a phenomenal memory. He decides to interview the chief so he tracks him down and knocks on the chief's door.

The chief opens the door and the reporter says, "How."

The chief replies, "How."

The reporter says, "I hear that you have a prodigious memory."

"This is true," says the chief.

"Well, what did you have for breakfast 25 years ago today?" the reporter asked, testing the chief.

Without hesitation, the chief replied, "Eggs."

The reporter was polite but didn't think there was much of a story here. And so he went on his way.

25 years later, the reporter was retired and traveling the country and happened to be in the chief's neck of the woods. He says to himself, "I think I'll see if that old Indian chief is still around."

He finds the chief's house and knocks on the door and sure enough the old chief answers the door.

The reporter said, "How."

The chief replied, "Scrambled."

Thursday, August 5, 2004 -- The King & The Count

When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered his army to kidnap the other King's Count and force him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as follows:

King: Where is the throne?

Count: I cannot tell you.

King: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his head!

Count: (as the axe is swinging down...) Okay! I will tell you!

..... THWACK!!!

Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Friday, August 6, 2004 -- Little Johnny

The couple living next door to Little Johnny had a new baby and the poor little thing was born with no ears. For weeks Little Johnny begged his Mom to take him to see the baby with no ears. She always told him no because she was afraid of what he might say. Still Little Johnny begged and begged. So his Mom finally told him she would take him if he PROMISED not to say anything mean about the baby not having any ears. So Little Johnny promised and they went to see the baby.

Johnny walked up to the basinet, looked down at the baby, then looked at the baby's Mom and said, "Look at those big hands, he has really big hands, and look at those big feet, and long legs, and look at those chubby little cheeks, WOW look at those big blue eyes. He has GOOD EYES doesn't he?" Johnny asked.

"Yes he does." Said the baby's Mom.

Then Johnny said, "Well it's a darn good thing, cause he'll never be able to wear glasses."

Monday, August 23, 2004 -- Honesty

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be no surprises later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

(Thanks to Richard)

Tuesday, August 24, 2004 -- Asking For A Dance

A guys walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her.

He says "Would you like to dance?" and she replies, "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you."

To which the guy replies, "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 -- The Skirt

A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too tight.

She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.

Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, 'Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!'

The man responds, 'Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!'

Thursday, August 26, 2004 -- Temple

One Saturday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for temple, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not ?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to temple. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi."

(Thanks to Jason)

Friday, August 27, 2004 -- How to Get A Good Night Sleep

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Saturday, August 28, 2004 -- Old Man On The Island

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Monday, August 30, 2004 -- The Rabbi & The Priest

A rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual kibitzing.

"This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?"

The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."

Tuesday, August 31, 2004 -- Freshman's Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a freshman college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Picture Of The Month

"License and registration please..."

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