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September, 2004

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - September 2004
Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Gym [144 votes total]

Gee, you don't sweat much for a big girl (26) 18%
Sir, are you wearing a b-cup or a c-cup? (22) 15%
That's an interesting place for your locker key (19) 13%
Hey, just one to a tanning bed! (9) 6%
Does my butt look big in this thong? (24) 17%
I'll give you $500 if you grunt louder (44) 31%


Wednesday, September 1, 2004 -- Two Drunks

Two drunks are in a bar.

First one says, "My Wife is an angel."

Second one says, "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."

Thursday, September 2, 2004 -- Mechanic vs Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."

(Thanks to Jada)

Saturday, September 4, 2004 -- Survivalist Training

A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan wilderness.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, such as water, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Timmy replied, "A compass, food, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster inquired.

"The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to maintain you during the rescue."

"And what about the playing cards, Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.

"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'!"

Monday, September 6, 2004 -- Mail Order Bride

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

(Thanks to Douglas)

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 -- 911

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said... "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

(Thanks to Keith)

Wednesday, September 8, 2004 -- The American Tourist

A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."

Thursday, September 9, 2004 -- Sunday School

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

(Thanks to Richard)

Friday, September 10, 2004 -- The Alarm Clock

Jane and her husband were having a little spat and were giving each other the silent treatment. During the week Jane's husband had an important appointment and had to be at the airport in time. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 A.M."

The next morning he woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why Jane hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bed.... It said in Jane's handwriting... "It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!"

Saturday, September 11, 2004 -- The Pastor

One Sunday morning a pastor announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program." A loud cheer erupted from the congregation.

"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

(Thanks to Richard)

Monday, September 13, 2004 -- The Psychiatrist

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery," said the doctor.

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?" asked the mother.

Replied the psychiatrist, "Didn't you say he was 13?"

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 -- The Affair

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out; "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about ..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed, so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday, but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now."

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked me; Is there ... anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

(Thanks to Rebecca)

Wednesday, September 15, 2004 -- The Baptism

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it, his three cats in the bathtub.

The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.

The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."

But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.

Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"

Thursday, September 16, 2004 -- At The Pumps

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

(Thanks to Richard)

Friday, September 17, 2004 -- Dog Playing Poker

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Saturday, September 18, 2004 -- The Musicians

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Where is that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

(Thanks to Evan)

Monday, September 20, 2004 -- The Thirsty Wanderer

A traveller was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

(Thanks to Bob)

Tuesday, September 21, 2004 -- Garage Keys

A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said.

"My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Wednesday, September 22, 2004 -- The Holy Land

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked , "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

(Thanks to Rebecca)

Thursday, September 23, 2004 -- Shipwrecked

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's very shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!"

(Thanks to Douglas)

Friday, September 24, 2004 -- A Quickie

What has four legs and an arm?

A Doberman

(Thanks to Teddy)

Monday, September 27, 2004 -- Kinky

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

(Thanks to Douglas)

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 -- The Old Man At The Bar

A very elderly gentleman, in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady in her mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Wednesday, September 29, 2004 -- No Horns

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Thursday, September 30, 2004 -- Dreaming Of God

A man was asleep and God came to him in a dream. God said, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

The man thought a minute and then he said, "Yes. What is a hundred years to you?"

God said, "A hundred years is like a second."

The man said, "Can I ask you another question? What is a million dollars like to you?"

God said, "Well, a million dollars is like a penny to me."

The man said, "And now I have one more question. Can I borrow a penny?"

God said, "Sure. Just a second."

Picture Of The Month

"No Bill, we can't name her Monica!"

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