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November, 2004

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - November 2004
Name the 8th Wonder of the World [134 votes total]

The stillness of Mirabel Airport (24) 18%
The conscience of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon (18) 13%
Toronto (13) 10%
The "live" in Saturday Night Live (9) 7%
Cheez Whiz (70) 52%

Monday, November 1, 2004 -- The Proctology Exam

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk. A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Darnit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT."

Wednesday, November 3, 2004 -- French Toast

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First, Why did you revolt? Second, how did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?", the warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

Thursday, November 4, 2004 -- The Two Preachers

These two preachers always ride their bicycles to church every Sunday and every Sunday they when they pass each other they stop and talk.

One Sunday as the one preacher is riding along, he sees the other preacher walking. He asks him, "Where's your bicycle rev?"

"Somebody stole my bicycle; I think it was somebody in my congregation, but I don't know what to do about it."

"Well, here's what you do, rev," the first preacher tells him, "You go into church today, and instead of the sermon you were going to preach, do one on the ten commandments. Then, when you get to the one about ‘Thou shalt not steal', the person who stole your bicycle will feel guilty and bring it back to you."

The other preacher thinks this is a great idea. The next Sunday the two preachers pass one another on their bicycles. They stop to talk to each other.

"I see you got your bicycle back, rev. Did you do like I said?"

"Yes, I did, but it didn't work out quite like you said."

"Oh, how's that?"

"Well, I did the sermon on the ten commandments like you said, but when I got to the one about ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bicycle."

Friday, November 5, 2004 -- The Bar

A man leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed having sex with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi- tailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers."

Monday, November 8, 2004 -- Name Calling

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"

Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know."

"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."

Tuesday, November 9, 2004 -- The Dress

Mary's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Mary was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Mary asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Mary told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Mary asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

(Thanks to Louise)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 -- Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

One boy near the back, the oldest child in his family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(Thanks to Douglas)

Thursday, November 11, 2004 -- Playing Through

Two guys are trying to get in a quick 18 holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world!"

Friday, November 12, 2004 -- The Affair

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Saturday, November 13, 2004 -- The Check Up

A very irritated patient visited his doctor with a very unusual problem.

The patient said, "Doctor, whenever I drink my cup of coffee, it feels like someone is stabbing my right eye!"

To which the doctor replied, "Next time remember to remove the spoon from your cup when you drink."

Monday, November 15, 2004 -- The Movies

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant his money, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 -- Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 -- Dalmatian

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the arguments to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

(Thanks to Sidney)

Thursday, November 18, 2004 -- Moms

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

Friday, November 19, 2004 -- The Bible

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Saturday, November 20, 2004 -- Buying Weights

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Monday, November 22, 2004 -- See The Light

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 -- Nursing Home

A man was taking his daily walk and passed by the nursing home. He did a double-take when he saw six old ladies, lying naked on the grass in front of the home.

He thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on his way, because it's a long walk and he wanted to get it over with before it got too hot.

On his way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard. Curiosity got the best of him, so he went inside and asked to speak to the director of the facility.

When he asked him if he knew there were six naked old ladies lying on his front lawn, he replied, "Yes, I know. They're retired prostitutes... they're having a yard sale."

(Thanks to Don)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 -- Suspicious Husband

A guy walked into a bar and ordered three drinks, downing them one after another.

"Hey, pal," the barkeep asked, "what's the problem?"

"Well, I went on a week long business trip and had to leave my wife alone," he said. " I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour, so I hung a weight from the bottom of a bedspring just above a bowl of cream."

"I see," the barkeep said. "So you came home and found cream on the weight, right?"

The guy downed another drink. "It's worse than that," he said. "The cream had been churned into butter."

Thursday, November 25, 2004 -- The Test

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

The tester asked, "If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

"Seven," Paddy responded.

"No," said the tester. "Listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Again Paddy answered, "Seven!"

"Okay let's try this another way," sighed the tester. "If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?"

This time Paddy answered, "Six."

"Good," exclaimed the tester. "Now, if I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Paddy responded by saying, "Seven!"

"How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?" asked the tester.

To which Paddy replied, "I've already got one rabbit at home!"

Friday, November 26, 2004 -- Bait

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 -- Viagra

John walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.

The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

John says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

Monday, November 29, 2004 -- King Of The Jungle

The lion was proud of his mastery of the animal kingdom. One day he decided to make sure all the other animals knew he was king of the jungle. He was so confident that he bypassed the smaller animals and went straight to the bear.

"Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

"Why, of course, you are," the bear replied. The lion gave a mighty roar of approval.

Next he asked the tiger, "Who is the king of the jungle?"

The tiger quickly responded, "Everyone knows that YOU are, oh mighty lion."

Next on the list was the elephant. "Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

The elephant immediately grabbed the lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air five or six times and slammed him into a tree. Then he pounded him onto the ground several times, dunked him under water in a nearby lake and finally dumped him out on the shore.

The lion - beaten, bruised and battered - struggled to his feet.

"Look," he told the elephant, "just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 -- Materials

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

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