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December, 2004

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - December 2004
Things You Hate About Christmas [114 votes total]

Not getting Jingle Bells out of your head until June (18) 16%
Trying to find curled-toed shoes at this time of the year (7) 6%
Another knitted sweater from your aunt with A.D.D (15) 13%
Your scale keeps lying (32) 28%
Sweeping reindeer droppings off the roof (42) 37%

Wednesday, December 1, 2004 -- The Handsome Guy

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well", said the man, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well", explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Thursday, December 2, 2004 -- The Angry Wife

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Friday, December 3, 2004 -- The Psychic Visit

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

Saturday, December 4, 2004 -- The Priest & The Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Monday, December 6, 2004 -- The Swimmer

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

Tuesday, December 7, 2004 -- The Lost Lens

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 -- The Zebra

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right. What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.

"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right. What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Thursday, December 9, 2004 -- Bad Neighbourhood

Q: How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighbourhood?

A: The church has a bouncer.

Friday, December 10, 2004 -- The Older Rivals

Two older women, Judi and Monika, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monika, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judi.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Lady Monika.

Judi responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

Saturday, December 11, 2004 -- Looking For A Wife

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"So," asked the friend, "do I owe you congratulations? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not," said Manny, "my Father can't stand her!"

Monday, December 13, 2004 -- Career Military Man

A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

To which the career military man replied, "Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 -- Real Wife Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 -- Gotcha

The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the duffer, "since you're MUCH better than I, let's even the odds. You have to spot me two GOTCHA'S!"

The Pro didn't know what a `GOTCHA' was, but he went along with the bet and the two took to the greens.

Later that day, the club members were amazed to see the pair returning from the 18th green and the duffer counting his winnings! The club owner cried, "What happened?"

"Well," said the Pro, "I was teed up for the first hole. As I brought my club back, how can I put this delicately, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed the twins! I missed the ball and he yelled 'GOTCHA'!"

"But how did you LOSE?!?!", said the astounded club owner.

To which the Pro replied, "Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘GOTCHA!'?"

Thursday, December 16, 2004 -- Don't Despair

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter, she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it, and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."

Friday, December 17, 2004 -- The Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favoured Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q- Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None survived the branding."

Saturday, December 18, 2004 -- Santa Flight Check

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer, and Santa got out his logbook to make sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in. To Santa's surprise, he was carrying a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Monday, December 20, 2004 -- Leaning Tower of Pisa

Did you hear the Italian Government is going to put a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

They figure what good is the inclination, if you don't have the time.

(Thanks to Keith)

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 -- The Bar

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

Wednesday, December 22, 2004 -- A Christmas Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for Christmas.

"I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Thursday, December 23, 2004 -- The Knob

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine," she said. "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

(Thanks to Jada)

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