HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

January, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - January 2005

Janet's Breast: What We Know One Year Later [146 votes total] It weighs more than brother Michael (10) 7% It has it's own TV development deal (7) 5% Timberlake hasn't washed that hand since (23) 16% It's inflated to NFL standards (15) 10% It's just a breast - the media are boobs! (91) 62%

Monday, January 3, 2005 -- A Dollar for Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.

"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 -- The Painting Job

A guy responded to an ad in the neighbourhood paper. A student advertised wanting jobs painting.

When the student showed up at the front door, the guy said, "I'd like you to paint the porch at the back of the house. How much an hour?"

The student said, "Ten bucks, if you supply the paint."

"OK," said the guy, "use this gray paint, I have lots of it."

About three hours later, the student knocks at the front door again, and tells the guy, "It's all done. The charge is $30."

The guy gives the student $40 saying, "Here's a little extra for you. I'm sure you did a good job on the old porch."

"Gee, thanks," said the student, "that's great. But there's one thing I'd like to know. Why do you keep calling it a porch when it's a BMW?"

(Thanks to Douglas)

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 -- The Cook

The kids at boarding school thought they'd have a little fun so they dumped the coffee into the cook's boots. Nothing was said so after one week one of the boys got curious.

"Did you find out who put the coffee in your boots?" he asked.

"No," said the cook. "But I know who drank it."

Thursday, January 6, 2005 -- The Rain Drop

A man and his wife were walking on the Moscow streets when a drop landed on his nose.

" I think I feel rain", he said.

His wife replied, "No, it is snow."

They spent the next few minutes arguing over whether it was rain or snow.

As a man approached them, the husband recognized him and said to his wife, "Ah, here comes Comrade Rudolph, the Communist Party monitor for the weather bureau. We'll ask him whether it is rain or snow."

So they ask, and Comrade Rudolph, after the briefest hesitation says, "It is rain."

The husband was satisfied but his wife protested again that it felt more like snow.

The husband, with patience, replied," Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

(Thanks to Sandy)

Friday, January 7, 2005 -- The Psychologist Visit

A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.

The psychologist, humouring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."

Saturday, January 8, 2005 -- The Murder Trial

The District Attorney was cross-examining the murderess.

"And after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it? As you sat there didn't you feel for him at all?"

"Yes," she answered. "There was just one moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."

"When was that?"

"When he asked for a second cup."

Monday, January 10, 2005 -- Sunday School

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

(Thanks to Rebecca)

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 -- The Pickpocket

The pickpocket went to visit his friend, who had just been arrested.

"I had to hire a lawyer for you," he said, "and I had to leave my watch with him."

"Did he keep it?" asked the friend.

Replied the pickpocket, "He thinks he did."

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 -- Hearing

Two men were facing each other on the train.

"I always knew my hearing wasn't good," said one, "but I never thought this would happen. I must have gone stone deaf. Here you've been speaking to me for an hour and I can't hear a word."

"I wasn't speaking," said his companion. "I was only chewing gum."

Thursday, January 13, 2005 -- What Time Is It?

"Pardon me sir. Do you have the time?" Montgomery asked.

The elderly gentleman removed the watch from his vest pocket, studied it and then put it back without telling the young man the time.

"I say, old chap, do you have the time?" Montgomery repeated.

Once again the elderly gentleman repeated the process of looking at his watch and putting it back into his pocket without telling him the time.

"Why do you do that?" asked Montgomery.

"It's like this," the elderly gent explained. "If I told you the time you'd start asking me where I come from. Then you'd visit me. Meet my beautiful daughter. Fall in love with her and she'd fall in love with you. Then you'd ask for her hand in marriage and I couldn't refuse. AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I WANT A SON-IN-LAW WHO CAN'T AFFORD A WATCH!"

Friday, January 14, 2005 -- Dining In The Jungle

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Monday, January 17, 2005 -- Good Investments

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend Morris out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of brokerage business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there, the 104' yacht is owned by the head of Goldman-Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential."

His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," Morris said, "Why aren't there any customers yachts?"

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 -- The Lord of the Manor

The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:

"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking!"

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 -- Latex Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No, I don't have any idea."

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

She didn't laugh one bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Thursday, January 20, 2005 -- The Church Gossip

The church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house .. . .. and left it there all night.

(Thanks to Jada)

Friday, January 21, 2005 -- The Near-Sighted Snake

A snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks for a check up.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor replies, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been romantically involved with a garden hose the past 2 years!"

Monday, January 24, 2005 -- The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent and correct answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a 'Clever Man' stepped forward (there is always one) and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirling of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".

'Clever Man' laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead".

It had been a tricky question. The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

'Clever Man' thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?

Again there was a whirling of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is STILL fishing off Florida."

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 -- Pastor's Last Day

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

Wednesday, January 26, 2005 -- Home Maid Cure

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend.

By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Monday morning he called his doctor again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."

Thursday, January 27, 2005 -- The Dogs

Two men were walking down a street with their dogs. One man had a Doberman Pinscher and the other one had a Chihuahua. The man with the Doberman Pinscher said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The man with the Chihuahua answered, "We can't go in there. We have dogs with us."

The man with the Doberman said, "Just follow me." They walked over to the restaurant, and the man with the Doberman put on a pair of sunglasses before he walked in.

The hostess said, "Sorry Sir, no pets are allowed in this restaurant."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher answered, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The hostess replied, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He said, "Yes, they're using them now and they're very good seeing-eye dogs."

The hostess said, "Okay, come in."

The friend with the Chihuahua thought, "I'll try too," so he put on a pair of sunglasses and started to walk in the restaurant.

Once again the hostess said, "Sorry Sir, no pets are allowed in this restaurant."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The Hostess replied,"A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

(Thanks to Donna)

Friday, January 28, 2005 -- Folk Remedies

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal sorcerer who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the sorcerer looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who need enemas?"

(Thanks to Sidney)

Monday, January 31, 2005 -- The Marine Biologist

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of baby seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged. He was charged with transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(Thanks to Sidney)