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February, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - February 2005
Signs You Really Miss Hockey [102 votes total]

Cross-checked Granny into dining table (30) 29%
Played Na Na Hey Hey on church organ (38) 37%
Installed a net cam in the toilet (9) 9%
Got into a brawl at "Mommy & Me" (5) 5%
Mate doesn't enjoy the whistle in bed (20) 20%

Tuesday, February 1, 2005 -- Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the wives try to guess who each one is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

(Thanks to Peter)

Thursday, February 3, 2005 -- Skydiving

A newspaper reporter went to interview a blind sky diver. "How do you get out of the plane?" the reporter asked.

"That's easy," said the skydiver, "they stand me in the doorway, put the rip cord ring in my hand and tell me when to jump."

"But how do you know when to pull the ring?"

"I have excellent sense of smell and can detect the trees and grass at about 300ft and then I pull the ripcord."

"How do you know when to get ready to flex your knees and stuff to land?"

"That's the easiest part of all - just before I hit the ground the dog's leash goes slack!"

Friday, February 4, 2005 -- The Confession

"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Surely I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell I you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers, "well... what'd you get?"

To which Tommy replied, "Three months vacation and five good leads."

(Thanks to Louise)

Monday, February 7, 2005 -- The Doctor's Office

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly thought, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION; AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 -- The Farmer & The Cop

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Wednesday, February 9, 2005 -- The Trucker & The Lawyers

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

Thursday, February 10, 2005 -- Aunt Emma

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For 17 long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast.

"My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"

Friday, February 11, 2005 -- The Phone Call

The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.

Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

Monday, February 14, 2005 -- Marriage Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 -- Air Sickness

A man was flying by plane, when he started to feel sick, and he threw up on the seat next to him. When the flight attendant told him to use the barf bag, he agreed.

When the air hostess returned, the entire plane was covered with vomit. On the floor, the seats, everything, so the flight attendant came up to the man, and said, "Didn't I tell you to use a barf bag?"

The man said, "Yes, but when the bag started to overflow, I took a sip, to prevent it from spilling, and everyone else in the plane started to vomit!!"

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 -- The Difficulty of Dating

Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps.

"What's the matter?" Bill asked.

"I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many darn people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too."

"So what was the problem?" Bill asked.

Replied Bob, "Her husband couldn't stand me!"

Thursday, February 17, 2005 -- A Day At The Beach

It was a hot day at Jones Beach. Bessie Cohen was there with her three-year-old grandson. She had bought him a cute little sailor suit with a hat, and she watched with delight as he played with his toys at the edge of the water.

Suddenly a giant wave swept onto the shore and before Bessie could even move, the boy was swept out into the cold Atlantic. Bessie was frantic. "I know that I've never been religious," she screamed to the heavens. "But I implore You to save the boy! I'll never ask anything of You again!"

The boy disappeared from view, and Bessie was beside herself. He went under a second time, and Bessie began to wail. As he went under for the third time, she screamed mightily, appealing to God to save the boy's life.

Her final supplication was answered, as the sea suddenly threw the child onto the shore. He was badly shaken but clearly alive.

Bessie picked him up and put him down gently on a blanket, far from the water. After looking him over, she turned her face towards the heavens, and complained loudly, "He had a hat!"

(Thanks to Richard)

Friday, February 18, 2005 -- The Jogging Trail

A man who had been driving all night decided to pull over somewhere quiet to get some sleep. He parked near a jogging trail and settled back to snooze. Just after he fell asleep, there was a knock at his window. He opened his eyes and saw a jogger running in place.

"Excuse me, Sir," the jogger said. "Do you have the time?" The man looked at his watch and answered "8:10." The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The man settled back and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. A second jogger running in place asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" The man looked at his watch and answered "8:15."

The jogger said thank you and ran off. The man knew it was only a matter of time before another jogger disturbed him, so he put a sign in his window that said I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME! He fell asleep. Once again, he awoke when someone knocked on his window.

"Sir, sir?" a jogger said. "It's 8:30!"

Monday, February 21, 2005 -- Doctor's Orders

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

(Thanks to Mike)

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 -- The Two Samurai

Samurai masters were having a debate over who was the better swordsman. After several minutes, each had given many reasons why he should be considered the better.

As fate would have it, a fly flew in through the open window, and seizing the opportunity, the first master grabbed his sword, and with two quick slices, neatly quartered the fly in mid-air.

"You can now see why I am the better swordsman, can you not?" said the first.

"That was indeed a remarkable display of skill," replied the second.

Again, as fate would have it, another fly came in through the open window. The second master took his sword and made one slash at the fly, which continued on its way.

"Aha, the fly lives!" cried the first master.

"Yes, this is so, " said the second. "However, it will never again reproduce."

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 -- The Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. WHACK! The roster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I just killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Thursday, February 24, 2005 -- The Towel

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next-door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

(Thanks to Sidney)

Friday, February 25, 2005 -- A Visit From Uncle

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit.

Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep in the same room with his young nephew, Little Johnny.

When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw Little Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Abner.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny.

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner.

"Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny.

Monday, February 28, 2005 -- Integrity

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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