HOLDER TONIGHTwith
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER
JOKE DU JOUR
March, 2005
HOLDER TONIGHTJOKE DU JOUR
March, 2005
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Tuesday, March 1, 2005 -- The Golfing Foursome
There are three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 AM, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but his time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
Every week from now on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"
"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed."
"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.
"Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 -- The Swimming Clergy
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied... "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize."
Thursday, March 3, 2005 -- The Mechanic's Bill
Sherry meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic. Sherry asks, "Everything okay with your car now?"
Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. So I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
Friday, March 4, 2005 -- The Plumber
A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!"
The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."
Monday, March 7, 2005 -- The Golfing Seniors
Four men were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
Tuesday, March 8, 2005 -- Gone Missing
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Wednesday, March 9, 2005 -- The Argument
This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care.
She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband. Obviously he was trying to make up.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh geez!"
The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"
He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase?"
Thursday, March 10, 2005 -- The Ladies Room
During a visit to the ladies' room, Beth heard the woman in the next stall suddenly ask, "So how are you?" Startled, Beth replied tentatively, "Fine."
The woman continued, "So what's new?"
Still confused, Beth said, "Not much. What's new with you?"
It was then that the woman snapped, "Do you mind? I'm on the phone!"
Friday, March 11, 2005 -- Shhh
Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.
One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, he found the owner.
"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?" he asked the owner.
"Shhh," the owner replied. "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"
Monday, March 14, 2005 -- The Landing
A young and foolish hotshot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime.
Instead of making an official landing request to the tower, he said: "Guess Who?"
The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess Where!"
Tuesday, March 15, 2005 -- The Draftee
Two military police were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her, "Quick Sister, please hide me. I don't want to be drafted and the MP's are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirts and said , "Hide under my shirt."
The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied "No."
After they left she told the boy to come out. All was OK-clear. He said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun, and their quite athletic looking too."
She replied, "If you reach up a little farther, you'll find a lot more! I'm don't want to get drafted either!"
Wednesday, March 16, 2005 -- The Telethon
When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard.
He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shaven.
The following day, the check arrived from his mother.
Thursday, March 17, 2005 -- The Argument
The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
Friday, March 18, 2005 -- Baby Bear
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Monday, March 21, 2005 -- Past Presidents
One night, George W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush saw him and asked, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honourable example, just as I did," said Washington.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through Dubya's bedroom.
"President Jefferson, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," came the reply.
Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"President Lincoln, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.
"Go to the theatre," replied Lincoln.
(Thanks to Douglas)
Tuesday, March 22, 2005 -- Fasten Your Seatbelts
Flying to San Francisco from San Diego the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, up front there are 17 University of San Diego girls going to San Francisco for the weekend.
In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty.
"What would you do?"
Wednesday, March 23, 2005 -- A Trip To The Pediatrician
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed of course," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
The doctor examined the woman's breasts thoroughly. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said to the woman, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," the woman said, "I'm his Grandma."
(Thanks to Douglas)
Thursday, March 24, 2005 -- Marooned
A Scotsman has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, when he sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"That's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of a small boat too. Suddenly, out of the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me handsome, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He selects one carefully, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Is that ever good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of Scotch whisky?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a bottle of superb 25 year-old Single Malt. He opens the flask, takes a thoughtful swig and says, "Fantastic!"
Now she slowly starts opening the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, with a glint in her eye, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman falls to his knees and sobs, "Sweet mother of God ! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too?"
(Thanks to Keith)
Friday, March 25, 2005 -- The Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out"...and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 metres, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Monday, March 28, 2005 -- Judgement Day
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death.
"We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.
"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives," one gentleman said.
"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the entire country with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."
Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.
"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
Tuesday, March 29, 2005 -- The Price Of Dentistry
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"$80," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "If you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man replies.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on the anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man. "It's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvellous," says the man. "Book my wife for next Tuesday!"
Wednesday, March 30, 2005 -- Married
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
(Thanks to Rebecca)
Thursday, March 31, 2005 -- Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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