HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

April, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - April 2005

Worst Idea For A Reality Show [140 votes total] Porta Potty Roulette (8) 6% Survivor: International Space Station (10) 7% Celebrity Vasectomy (22) 16% Bomb Squad: (Red Wire, Blue Wire?) (31) 22% Colostomy Live! (15) 11% Michael Jackson’s Extreme Makeover (54) 39%

Friday, April 1, 2005 -- Lose The Cat

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

Monday, April 4 2005 -- The Shopkeeper

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door to his left and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read...MAIN ENTRANCE.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005 -- Wilbur Wright's Lawyer

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client, Wilbur Wright, had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"

(Thanks to Evan)

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 -- Fighting

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80% of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that'll certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

Thursday, April 7, 2005 -- The Accident

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A passerby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke upon a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'SHELL' sign."

Friday, April 8, 2005 -- The Stiff Drink

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got." He takes the shot glass and knocks it back.

He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about 5 or 6 of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off. He say's to the guy, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"

The man sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole week!"

The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"

The man replied, "Well today's the last day!"

Monday, April 11, 2005 -- Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think they're the only ones up here."

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 -- The Lottery

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts to her husband at the top of her lungs, "Pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband cries, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

(Thanks to Eva)

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 -- The Phone Call

A man tries to call home in the middle of the day when a child answers.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

There's another brief pause.

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

There's a long pause, then an even longer pause.

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??... Is this 555-5731?"

(Thanks to Samy)

Thursday, April 14, 2005 -- Board Meeting

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

Friday, April 15, 2005 -- Road Trip

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

(Thanks to William)

Monday, April 18, 2005 -- Birthday Wish

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry -- put more men on the job."

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 -- Deathbed

An old man on his deathbed inplored his wife, "When I am gone, I want you to marry Fred Uhland."

"Why Fred Uhland?" his wife asked. "You have hated him all of your life!"

"Still do," gasped the old man.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 -- Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Friday, April 22, 2005 -- Shave & Shoe Shine

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face while a drop dead gorgeous woman with physical attributes to spare began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Monday, April 25, 2005 -- Frankenstein

Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his "monster" seemed to be lacking a certain "je ne sais quoi" in his life. He and Mrs. Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and the Missus suddenly had a bright idea. "Maybe he needs a mate."

"Good idea, my dear," said the doctor. "Let's create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine's Day."

So, they worked day and night and finally got the lady "monster" ready in time to "wake her up" on Valentine's Day. The original creation was there beside Dr. and Mrs., just jumping from one foot to another in eager anticipation of the solution to this cravings.

As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, "Look! She about to speak!"

The new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice: "Oooooo ---oo! Head----ache!"

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 -- The Outhouse

One day this guy was hiking up to an old camp. There was an outhouse along the way, so the guy goes up to the outhouse and accidentally drops a nickel down the hole. He was very upset about this and threw his whole wallet down the hole.

Another guy who was hiking saw him throw his wallet down in the outhouse hole and asked, "Hey buddy, what did you do that for?"

The guy's reply was, "You didn't think I would go down there for just a nickel did you?"

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 -- The Farm

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

Thursday, April 28, 2005 -- Buying A Horse

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

(Thanks to Sidney)

Friday, April 29, 2005 -- Deer Prayer

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

The pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."