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May, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - May 2005
You Know You're In A Bad Restaurant When... [126 votes total]
Flies are outside throwing up (51) 40%
The food on the blue plate special is actually blue (10) 8%
Your waiter asks you to pay before giving you cutlery (15) 12%
The chef is wearing a body net (15) 12%
You find a thumb in your chili and it’s the best part (35) 28%

Monday, May 2, 2005 -- A Boy & His Dog

A little boy is walking his ugly yellow dog down the street. A man walking a gigantic Rottweiler comes toward him.

As they get closer together, the Rottweiler starts bristling and growling and showing his teeth. The little dog doesn't react.

The man says to the boy, "You better watch your dog or mine will have him for lunch."

The boy replies, "I'm not worried, my dog can take care of himself."

The man laughs. "How can that puny, ugly little mutt fight off my big dog?"

The boy just watches as the Rottweiler goes after the mutt and gets bitten so badly it almost dies.

"What kind of a dog is that?" the man asks.

"Well," the boy replies, "Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 -- Hand Signals

A Florida officer pulls over an 86-year-old woman because her hand signals were confusing.

"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left," said the officer.

"I decided not to turn right," she explains.

"Then why the up and down?" asks the officer.

"Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!"

Wednesday, May 4, 2005 -- Lurid Past

After three years of marriage, this woman is still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the 1000th time, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Darling," he protests, "If I told you, you'd have a fit."

She promises she won't get angry and convinces him to tell her.

"Okay," he says, then starts to count on his fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."

Thursday, May 5, 2005 -- Playing Daddy

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Friday, May 6, 2005 -- Three Turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.

The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. "I thought you packed it."

Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?"

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless.

"I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass.

Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But suddenly, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, "I knew it! I'm not going."

Monday, May 9, 2005 -- The Shave

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop.

They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

(Thanks to JP)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 -- Out Ranked

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

(Thanks to JP)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 -- The Horses

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "Well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "For crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!"

The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

(Thanks to Keith)

Thursday, May 12, 2005 -- The Snakes

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter Soviet offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"

Friday, May 13, 2005 -- In Flight Dog

A widowed lady, travelling alone, was taking a long plane trip back to where she and her husband both grew up.

Upon arriving at the airport she informed the airline that she wanted to take her dog with her in the cabin. She became angry when the airline told her she couldn't, but finally gave in and allowed them to put the dog in the baggage compartment.

The airline pilot told her, "It will be warm & pressurized in there, and your dog should be just fine. Nothing to worry about."

Upon arrival at the first fuel stop, the crew went to check on the dog and found it dead! The airline crew quickly ran all over town until they found a dog of the same color, height, weight, and sex and put it in the cage in place of the dead dog.

Upon arrival at their final destination, they hand delivered the lady her dog. Quite surprised, the woman says, "Sorry, but that's not my dog! Could you please go get MY dog?"

The airline pilot replies, "Sure it's your dog. Look! It's the same height, weight, color, and sex as when we loaded it."

The lady again insisted, "THIS, IS NOT MY DOG!"

The airline pilot asks her, "Just how do you know that this isn't your dog?"

The widow answers. . . . "Because my dog was dead! I was taking it home to bury it next to my husband!"

Monday, May 16, 2005 -- The Diagnosis

A man who has been very sick is visiting his doctor to get the results of a battery of tests.

"What are my chances of recovering, Doc?" he asks.

"One hundred percent," the doctor assures him.

"That's a relief," the patient says. "But how can you be so sure?"

"Well," the doctor says, "statistics show that nine out of every 10 patients with your disease will die. Yours is the 10th case I've treated. The others have all died. So you are bound to get well."

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 -- Going To Heaven

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a "T" in them? Third, what is God's first name? You have until tomorrow to answer these questions."

The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question of how many seconds in a year and the guy says, "Twelve."

"Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?"

The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on."

Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it's technically correct, so I will give you credit."

Then St. Peter asks the second question how many days of the week have a "T" in them and the guy answers, "Two."

St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter again admits that wasn't what he had in mind, but he'll accept that. Peter then asked the third question -- God's first name.

The man says, "Howard. "

St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know -- it's in the prayer: ‘‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...''"

(Thanks to Keith)

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 -- Awareness Test

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

Thursday, May 19, 2005 -- Wedding Night

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

Friday, May 20, 2005 -- Barking Dogs

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.

"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

Monday, May 23, 2005 -- A Question of Adultery

"Mary," asked her friend Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.

"Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 -- Satisfied Customer

A wholesaler said to a storeowner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The wholesaler said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 -- Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Thursday, May 26, 2005 -- The Present

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No.5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Friday, May 27, 2005 -- Talking To God

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

Monday, May 30, 2005 -- News On The Golf Course

For the four executives, the high point of the annual stockholders meeting was their Sunday afternoon golf game.

They had just teed off on the twelfth hole when the assistant golf pro came tearing across the green, red- faced and out of breath. "Mr. Rudeneck, Mr. Rudeneck!" he gasped, "I have terrible news. Your wife has just been killed in a car accident."

Rudeneck turned to his companions and said, "Guys, I gotta warn you. Six more holes and you're gonna see a man crying his eyes out."

Tuesday, May 31, 2005 -- How Old Am I?

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

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Short On Horsepower

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