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June, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - June 2005
Worst Thing About June Weddings [100 votes total]
Sweat crystalizing on the veil (8) 8%
Sun glistening off of shotgun (8) 8%
Ice sculptures starting to look obscene (11) 11%
Granny’s plunging neckline (46) 46%
July due date (27) 27%

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 -- Visit To The Doctor

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate."

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Thursday, June 2, 2005 -- Picnic Plans

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

Monday, June 6, 2005 -- Honest Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeeper.

"That's right," said the gentleman. "My last four scores were seven years ago."

Wednesday, June 8, 2005 -- The Professor's Clone

A professor who had recently made a clone of himself was asked to tell about his accomplishment at a scientific convention held in a fifth floor hotel ballroom.

As he was giving his speech, the clone, who was sitting next to him, kept interrupting with a stream of filthy words.

Finally, the professor could no longer control his anger. He picked up the clone and started to throw him out the window. Fortunately, his colleagues stopped him just in time.

When the police arrived, they handcuffed the professor and booked him. The charge: trying to make an obscene clone fall.

Friday, June 10, 2005 -- The Bee

"How are things going?" one bee asked another.

"Terrible," the second bee replied. "I can't find any flowers or pollen anywhere."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down this street. There's an outdoor bar mitzvah going on with lots of flower arrangements and fresh fruit."

"Thanks!" said the second bee, buzzing off.

Later, the second bee thanked the first bee for the tip. Then the first bee asked, "But what's that thing on your head?"

"My yarmulke," the second bee replied. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Monday, June 13, 2005 -- Just Like Moishe

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

The passenger says, "Who?"

"Moishe Glickman," said the cabbie. "There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," said the passenger.

"Not Moishe," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

"Sounds like he was something, huh?" said the passenger.

The cabbie went on to say, "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, he's some kind a guy, eh?" said the passenger.

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

" Mmm, not many like that around," said the passenger

"And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

"An amazing fellow," said the passenger. "How did you meet him?"

"Well, I never actually met Moishe," said the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" inquired the passenger.

Replied the cabbie, "I married his widow."

(Thanks to JP)

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 -- The Duck & The Bartender

A duck walks in a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender replies, "We don't sell grapes."

The duck leaves but returns later and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender replies, "I told you we don't sell grapes and if you come back here anymore asking for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor."

The duck leaves but returns again later and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No," replied the bartender.

"Got any grapes?" the duck asks.

(Thanks to Keith)

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 -- First Night Together

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food.

She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.

The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.

As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

(Thanks to Louise)

Friday, June 17, 2005 -- The Accounting Question

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from university and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

(Thanks to Rebecca)

Monday, June 20, 2005 -- The Alcoholic

A man who was told by his doctor that he was suffering from acute alcoholism. The man said, "Doc, I can't tell my wife I am suffering from alcoholism. Isn't there one of those big medical terms that I can give her?"

The doctor said, "As far as I'm concerned, there is no other term for it but alcoholism."

As the man left the doctor's office he passed a music store and in the window his eye caught the word "syncopation". That word seemed to strike a responsive chord somewhere. When he got home he told his wife the doctor had said he was suffering from acute syncopation.

That was all right until she looked up the word in the dictionary and read: "Syncopation - an irregular and erratic movement from bar to bar".

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 -- Edison

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light, even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy.

He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

(Thanks to Bob)

Thursday, June 23, 2005 -- The Examination

A man came into the doctor's office. "Doctor, I think I've got influenza."

"Okay," said the doctor. "Put your tongue out and stick your head out of the window."

"Will that make me feel better?" inquired the patient.

"No," said the doctor. "But I can't stand the woman across the street."

Friday, June 24, 2005 -- Yet Another Examination

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

Monday, June 27, 2005 -- Car Trouble

A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups.

When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

(Thanks to Bob)

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 -- The Repairman

A repairman comes to the hospital's intensive care unit, looks at the patients hooked up to various life support machines and says, "Now, everybody, inhale deeply. I'm going to change the fuse!"

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 -- Party Chatter

"What happened with the girl I introduced you to at the dance?" Bert asked his friend George.

"Nothing," George replied sadly. "I asked her four times if I could see her home and she said that if I was that keen, she'd fax me a photo of her house."

Thursday, June 30, 2005 -- The Questions

While attempting to interest a disruptive student in acquiring practical knowledge, a guidance counselor suggested a game to challenge his intellect.

"If I ask you a question, and you can't answer, you must give me $5," said the counselor. "And if I can't answer yours, I'll give you $5."

"Okay," said the student. "But since you're older and wiser than me, it's only fair that if I can't answer I should give you only $2."

"Agreed," said the counselor. "And you can go first."

The student asked, "What has six feet on land and only three free when swimming?"

The counselor thought for a very long time about this, but reluctantly he had to concede defeat.

"Here's your $5," he said. "What's the answer?"

"I don't know," said the student. "Here's your $2."

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