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July, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - July 2005
Worst Pick Up Line At The Beach [80 votes total]
Can I lie in your shade? (8) 10%
Let's go to my place and avoid melanoma (9) 11%
Come closer baby and you can hear the ocean (18) 23%
Wannabe the pail to my shovel? (16) 20%
Is that a beach umbrella or are you just glad to see me? (17) 21%
Nice sun dial! (12) 15%

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 -- Forgetful George

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

Thursday, July 7, 2005 -- The Dinner Party

One woman said to another at a dinner party, "Where's that beautiful girl who was serving drinks?"

"What do you want, the girl or a drink?" inquired the other woman.

"Neither," responded the first, "I'm searching for my husband."

Monday, July 25, 2005 -- The Shoplifter

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.

The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.

"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honour, may I approach the bench?"

"Well," said his honour, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 -- Aspirins

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really ? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing ? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms ?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin ?"

(Thanks to William)

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 -- Pilot Pudding

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293," he says. "The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!"

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. "I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier," he says.

"But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

"That's nothing," a passenger in coach shouted. "You should see the back of mine!"

(Thanks to JP)

Friday, July 29, 2005 -- First Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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